Paimon: So, we finally met Varka. Long time coming, huh? When was the first time we heard his name?
Paimon: Let's see... It definitely wasn't the letter that Ineffa gave us, or when we heard him on the Dodocommunication Device. Was it when Mika read out that letter to the Knights of Favonius? ...No, Paimon's pretty sure Jean mentioned him long before that...
{NICKNAME}: I actually read a book about him in the Mondstadt library once. It was called, "100 Things You Never Knew About Varka."
Paimon: Really? What was it about? A list of all his heroic accomplishments, or something?
{NICKNAME}: That's right, yeah. It was a while ago now, lemme see what I can remember... Ah, yes. There was one bit that said:
{NICKNAME}: "Varka can chug three hundred Dandelion Wines in a row without getting drunk!"
{NICKNAME}: "...Mainly because he drinks them so quickly that the alcohol doesn't have time to kick in."
Paimon: What the hecking heck? Really stretching the definition of heroic there... What else did it say?
{NICKNAME}: "Varka is the only man in the whole of Mondstadt who's ever defeated the city walls in a game of Ludi Harpastum."
Paimon: Huh...
{NICKNAME}: "Varka once won a fight against ten Ruin Guards. Six of them were destroyed by his fishing rod, three of them by the stool he was sitting on..."
{NICKNAME}: "...And the last one thought it had been destroyed, even though it hadn't — but it still counts."
Paimon: Huh... You know, what's weird is that all of this stuff obviously sounds like a bunch of baloney...
Paimon: ...And yet, having actually met Varka in person, it all... kinda makes sense...
Paimon: Wait a second... Do we think that maybe... he wrote this book himself?
Paimon: Next time we're in Mondstadt, our first priority is to head to the library, find Lisa, and borrow that book. Then, we'll take it to Varka and demand answers!
{NICKNAME}: In that case, we'll have to rename it as: 101 Things You Never Knew About Varka.
Paimon: Really? Why? What's the hundred-and-first thing?
{NICKNAME}: "'100 Things You Never Knew About Varka' isn't even a real book. That's the one thing that even Varka never knew about Varka — but of course, the book would never dare break the news to him.

Paimon: "The Northern Intelligence Network"... What a mysterious-sounding organization!
Paimon: A secret society, quietly pulling the strings behind the scenes, running the entire world from the shadows!
{NICKNAME}: "Secret society" seems like a stretch. We know a whole bunch of the people involved.
Paimon: ...Ohh yeah, we do! Hey, this could be our foot in the door! We should totally join, then we can get one of those cool codenames! Like... ummm... Ooh, White Gold!
{NICKNAME}: Oh, because you have white hair and I have blond hair... An unusually sensible nickname, for once.
Paimon: Well, yeah! This is our own nickname! The weird ones are reserved for other people.
Paimon: Actually, don't the Knights of Favonius work with the intelligence network? What do you think Varka's codename is? "Grand Master"?
Paimon: Heh, it's kind of hard to imagine Grand Master Varka doing spy stuff, isn't it? He's not exactly a low-key kinda guy...
Paimon: He'd probably go busting into the enemy base through the front gates, mowing down all the minions in his path, and then strut his way out with a briefcase full of intel in hand.
{NICKNAME}: ...I suspect that, as Grand Master, he probably delegates that kind of work to people like Kaeya and Rosaria.
Paimon: Oh, good point! ...Wait, you're right, this isn't a secret society at all! More like a... who's-who of... people we know already!

Paimon: The cool codenames they use in the Northern Intelligence Network kinda remind Paimon of the ancient names back in Natlan.
{NICKNAME}: Uhh... I mean, sure, they're both pseudonyms, but beyond that... do they really have any similarities?
Paimon: Sure they do! They're both, y'know... cool!
Paimon: Although, the Natlanese version is definitely cooler, 'cause they get a phlogiston engraving on their body too.
Paimon: And when it's time for action, they go "poof" and light up like a lantern! It's like, yep, that person's definitely the hero in this situation, hehe!
Paimon: Just like Varesa when she puts on her mask!
{NICKNAME}: Speaking of masked heroes... that reminds me of someone else involved with the intelligence network.
Paimon: Lemme guess — Master Diluc?
{NICKNAME}: Yep. Hey, how about we bring him with us to Natlan next time we visit? We should get someone to make a phlogiston engraving for him.
Paimon: Hehehe, that's an awesome idea! It probably won't light up, since he's from Mondstadt... but hey — it'd still be pretty cool!
{NICKNAME}: The next time he's out fighting crime, he won't have to lift a finger. Just a glimpse of that phlogiston engraving will have those cowardly crooks curled up in a fetal position on the ground.
Paimon: Oh yeah... Oh, actually no. The Darknight Hero can't go around being too flashy, or he might blow his cover...
{NICKNAME}: True... Yeah, on second thought, there's a lot of issues with this plan.
{NICKNAME}: The biggest one being: How do we get Diluc to Natlan and back in one piece? He'd melt in the heat, unless we can convince him to change out of that fancy suit.

{NICKNAME}: Come to think of it, we've met not one but two genius inventors in Nod-Krai, haven't we? First Aino, and then Sandrone.
Paimon: Yeah, you're right. And the proof of their genius is in the hi-tech pudding: Ineffa Pudding and Pulonia Pudding!
Paimon: Actually... Okay, well "Pulonia Pudding" kinda works, Paimon's not gonna lose any sleep over that one... but Ineffa Pudding feels a little disrespectful...
{NICKNAME}: I'm speechless... After years of giving people ugly nicknames, you're finally learning! Yes, Paimon, name-calling IS disrespectful!
Paimon: Hey!
{NICKNAME}: Seriously though, who do you think would win in a fight between Ineffa the Annihilator and Pulonia the Pulverizer?
Paimon: Are you for real!? Who's the name-caller now, huh!? Also, fantasizing about violence is a way worse habit than giving people ugly nicknames...
Paimon: ...Honestly, though? After everything that's happened recently, it's hard to imagine them getting into a fight. Everyone's getting along pretty well these days.
Paimon: It's just as dumb as trying to imagine Jean and Diluc in a fight...
{NICKNAME}: I can't believe you still remember that...
{NICKNAME}: Ahem, but anyway... we're getting sidetracked. Back to Ineffa and Pulonia: I've thought of a foolproof way of figuring out who's stronger...
{NICKNAME}: All you'd have to do is lock them both in a room, then drop Lynette inside...
Paimon: What the...!
{NICKNAME}: ...And whoever gets destroyed last is clearly the strongest!
Paimon: Mmm, Paimon's not convinced. Like, sometimes, the more advanced technology is also the more fragile, right?
Paimon: ...Ugh, what are we talking about? Enough! No more imaginary fights between friends!