یه روح زخمی و بدن خسته برای مردن کافی نیست. امید مارو زنده نگه داشته و مهم نیست چقدر روح و روانمون آسیب دیده. ما به راهمون ادامه می‌دیم.
شاید چون لجباز تر از اونی هستیم که بخوایم ببازیم.

سلام

“If people bring so much courage to this world the world has to kill them to break them, so of course it kills them. The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

می خوانیم که چگونه دولت توتالیتر، در تمام زوایای زندگی خصوصی مردم نفوذ می کند و همه آنان، حتی پرصلابت ترینشان یا در برابر ستم پیشگان، سر به خاک ذلت می سایند و یا در دفاع از آدمیت خویش جان می بازند.
مولر راوی سرگذشت ملتی است که فساد و صبوری در اعماق مغز و روانشان ریشه بسته است.

So, today we are too alive to die and too dead to live.

The darkness exists on two levels. One, at the edges of society, where the law ceases to care and men drift aimlessly. Two, internally. The darkness at the edge of town in this sense is personal as well–at the edges, around the seams of everyone there is a darkness being held at bay by the internal architecture they have built up in their lives.

I am I, and I wish I weren't.

Those butterflies in my stomach are dead now.

Me: I don't have self-confidence.
Also me:

"the pain is so great it outweighs my pleasure. and with every step forward pleasure dissolves and pain intensifies behind me."

We all have our demons. We all have our reasons to fight. We all have our reasons to give everything up. Don’t blame us for any of that.

I'm addicted to escapism

Ive always been a horrible procrastinator and had a really hard time focusing and doing things that I know will improve my life. I need a huge amount of downtime. My brain just never shuts up. So im constantly anxious and worried and driving myself insane so I try to distract myself in any way possible for as long as i humanly can and still accomplish what needs to be done to not be a total waste of life.

It is astounding how I have systematically destroyed myself in the course of years, it was like a slowly widening breach in a dam, a purposeful action. The spirit that brought it about must now be celebrating triumphs…

Franz Kafka, The diaries: 1910-1923