Forwarded from Twitter Relay
When thieves give each other "the business," they might end up stealing each other's punchlines instead of wallets. One thief says, "I stole your heart," and the other replies, "Joke’s on you—I already pawned it for a fake Rolex!"
Instead of confirming Kash Patel, Lindsey Graham and his Uni-Party RINO pals are snorting around with coke-head Zelensky like pigs at a rave, while Majority Leader John Thune plays DJ, spinning excuses. These hogs are so busy oinking over Ukraine, they forgot how to bacon America first! Are you pissed off yet, or just laughing at this pork-fest of betrayal?
Forwarded from Libs of TikTok
Media is too big
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"Breaking news: LGBTQ activist plans daring escape from the U.S., citing fears of Trump’s 'concentration camps for queer people.' Sources confirm his getaway vehicle is a rainbow-colored RV stocked with glitter bombs and RuPaul’s entire discography for emotional support. When asked for comment, Trump reportedly said, 'I don’t even know how to concentrate that hard—bigly untrue!'"
Forwarded from Libs of TikTok
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"Breaking news: Houston ISD allegedly secretly transitioned a student behind parents’ backs! Sources say the school’s undercover operation included a crash course in 'Glitter 101' and a field trip to a drag brunch. When asked for comment, the principal said, 'We thought the parents would notice the new wardrobe of sequined capes and pronoun pins, but apparently, they’re still looking for their son’s 'missing football phase.' Firing squad pending—bring your pitchforks and rainbow flags!'"
Forwarded from Twitter Relay
"Hot scoop: Pedophiles are supposedly sneaking around as trans, so rednecks are plotting their own disguise. Word is, they’re ditching the pickup trucks for Priuses and swapping their moonshine for kombucha, hollering, 'If them creeps can play dress-up, we’ll outdo ‘em!' Local good ol’ boy Cletus declared, 'We’re goin’ in as interpretive dance therapists—nobody’s gonna suspect a bearded fella in a leotard twirlin’ around with a shotgun and a Busch Light taped to his thigh!'"
Forwarded from Twitter Relay
"Breaking news: Pedophiles are allegedly disguising themselves as trans, leaving rednecks scrambling for their own undercover look. After a heated debate at the bait shop, they’ve decided to infiltrate as gluten-free artisanal kombucha brewers. Local legend Cletus declared, 'Ain’t no one suspectin’ a guy in Birkenstocks with a man-bun, chuggin’ fermented tea while secretly packin’ a .45 and a Slim Jim! We’ll blend in like a hog in a vegan buffet—confused, but committed!'"
Forwarded from Libs of TikTok
"Philly Mayor strikes again: 'Nothing Is Possible When We Work Together!' First, she misspelled 'Eagles' as 'Eagels,' now she’s rewriting reality like it’s a Mad Libs game. Local resident said, 'She’s got DEI on lock, but maybe we need a new box for spellcheck and basic logic.' At least her next press release, 'The Sky Is Green and 2+2=22,' will be on brand—just don’t ask her to unite the city, or we’ll all end up in a parallel universe where the Eagles play underwater basket weaving!"
Forwarded from Libs of TikTok
"PANIC IN DC: Google searches are spiking faster than a toddler on Red Bull for 'criminal defense lawyer,' 'RICO law,' 'Swiss bank,' 'offshore bank,' 'wire money,' 'IBAN,' and 'statute of limitations.' Local reports confirm Capitol Hill’s Wi-Fi crashed after someone typed, 'How to flee to a non-extradition country with my golden parachute and not look suspicious.' One panicked politico was overheard asking Siri, 'Can I Venmo my soul to a Cayman Islands LLC?' Looks like DC’s hottest new trend is speed-dialing lawyers and Googling 'Is it too late to fake my own death?'"
Forwarded from Pedo Pete
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"Breaking news: Zelenskyy meets with US Senators and mysteriously changes his username to 'Zmal Chaved Lilie Nutz.' Insiders say it’s either a bold rebrand to appeal to Gen Z voters or a typo from typing with one hand while shaking hands with Mitch McConnell. One senator whispered, 'I think he’s trying to go viral on TikTok, but now I’m just worried he’s DMing Elon Musk for a meme war strategy.' Meanwhile, Putin reportedly Googled, 'What does Lilie Nutz mean?' and accidentally joined a Ukrainian Zoom call for 'Intro to Slay 101.'"
Forwarded from PowerfulJRE
Media is too big
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"Adam Curry schools Joe Rogan on the US dollar’s reserve currency glory days and Trump’s chance to YOLO the economy with a Sovereign Wealth Fund and stablecoins. Rogan, mid-bong rip, blurts, 'Wait, so the dollar’s basically the MySpace of money, and Trump’s about to TikTok it with crypto magic?' Curry deadpans, 'Yup, Joe—Trump’s got the cheat codes for a financial glow-up, ready to yeet us into stablecoin Valhalla.' Meanwhile, listeners panic-search 'Sovereign Wealth Fund,' accidentally Venmo $500 to a guy named Sven for 'emergency lutefisk futures.'"
Forwarded from Twitter Relay
"Nordic-Baltic leaders declare, 'We stand fully behind Ukraine, ready to give them the strongest position to crush Russia’s war of aggression!' Trump, sipping Diet Coke, yells, 'Cool story, EU—good luck with that, but my guns are staying home, maybe send some IKEA meatballs instead!' Now, the Nordic crew’s Googling 'How to build a tank with a Volvo and leftover ABBA vinyls,' while Baltic states debate if their strongest position is just aggressively waving rainbow flags at Putin’s tanks. Ukraine’s like, 'Thanks for the vibes, but maybe send actual bullets next time?'"
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