Toddlers are great... If you like having a hangover, with a little crotch goblin follow you around crying and demanding snacks, yoghurt and to go to the park every two fucking minutes.

#other

My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no.

#other

BBC Sport: Colombian cyclist wins Tour de France.

After so many years of scandal in the sport, what a relief it is to see a winner nobody would suspect of drug offences.

#other

I'm always getting picked on at school..
Just yesterday 2 boys pinned me down and wrapped a entire toilet roll around my head.
I hate bullies, they make me Sikh.

#wordplay

I don't like rape jokes.
They're always so forced.

#sexandshit

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?
You have to C4 yourself

#other

-Dad, I've just had sex. It was amazing!
-W-W-Wow, son, ummmm... sit down,tell me about it
-I can't, my ass hurts

#sexandshit

On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.
I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious

#other

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.
He was feeding them to his dog.

#other

Jacob survived the Holocaust, but his family did not. Angrily, Jacob raises his fist to the sky and shouts, "God, give me back my family!"
A few seconds later, a big load of fine ashes is poured down on Jacob and a deep voice from above roars, "Here you are, Jacob."

Jacob looks down, then he looks up and shyly adds, "They also had gold teeth."

#other

Dear Capitalists,

Stop exploiting poor people for your own personal gain.

Yours faithfully
Gender fluid Marxist

Sent from my Iphone
Location: Starbucks

#other

Me:- Boss, I am not coming into work today because I am sick.

Boss:- How sick are you?

Me:- Well, I am in bed with my sister.

When I shot up the classroom, killed my teacher and everybody else in the building it really affected my family.

I'm home schooled.

#other

Got some great news today! My doctor has encouraged me to masturbate more often!!!
Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time...

#wordplay

When on the prowl for my next sexual assault victim, I prefer to carry a thin bladed sword instead of a knife.

It's a little rapier.

#wordplay

I asked my partner to rate my listening skills.

She said 'you're an 8 on a scale of 10'

I don't know why she told me to urinate on a skeleton.

#wordplay

Michael Jackson's final album was named Invincible.

Which roughly translates as, 'I got away with it.'

#other

Anyone else notice that 'incest' is an anagram of 'nicest'?

#other

If Jesus died for our sin... then who died for our cos, tan and ctg?

#other

Dick and Tom went to get their salary, but department confused everything. As a result, Dick got Tom's salary, and Tom got dicks.

#other

I just head 20 people have died at a Walmart store.

I guess they must have choked to death on some of those Kinder Eggs.

#other