U.S. - The 2020 census results are in, and while many are focused on what that means for apportionment of seats in the House of Representatives, the news has been dominated by one alarming finding: There are far too many Garys.'No one knows what to think…

The problem with kids these days is they're soft, like the Pillsbury Doughboy. They play with their cyber reality face goggles and their iPods and eDroids and what-not all day long. They've never experienced any real hardship.If you ask me -- and maybe you…

ATLANTA, GA - CDC officials have released official guidelines and recommendations for activity during the pandemic. At the top of the list is a request for people to stop giving them wedgies every time they pass them on the street. 'You all need to stop this…

ATLANTA, GA—Another scientist has joined the consensus of experts saying we need to stop eating beef to prevent climate change. Casual observers, though, noticed that the scientist looked suspiciously like a Chick-fil-A cow wearing a lab coat.

The CDC recently released a guide showing you when to wear a mask for indoor and outdoor activities. It was a reckless, irresponsible thing to do since it depicted some outdoor activities in which it's ok for vaccinated people to not wear a mask. This is…

IRVINE, CA - Tragedy has struck once again. The entire men's U.S. water polo team has drowned after kneeling during the national anthem in an exhibition game today, sources confirmed moments ago.As soon as the flag was unfurled and the national anthem started…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden was seen wearing a mask in a climate summit with world leaders, despite his being vaccinated and despite the conference being virtual and held over Zoom. This has made some wonder if Biden even understands how a…

We all know watching the Oscars is America's favorite pastime, but it was surprisingly eclipsed by several other shows this year! Here's a list of programs that outperformed the Oscars' ratings in 2021.

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo is disappointed after census data revealed his state had lost thousands of citizens, causing New York to lose a seat in the House of Representatives. 

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, WY—The CDC has released new guidelines that have eased up slightly on mask-wearing, saying the fully vaccinated don’t need masks while in small gatherings with other fully vaccinated people outside. This slight loosening…

JERUSALEM—John Kerry recently made a trip to Israel for climate talks but was delayed at the border. According to sources, Israeli forces asked him to remove his explosive vest before entering the country.

What are women thinking? What are they feeling? What do they WANT FROM US!? So many questions. Luckily, you've got The Babylon Bee, and we know some women. Some of us are even married. So, we went to our wives and told them we were going to write an article…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After successfully plundering the dreams and futures of your great-grandchildren to pay off unions and poorly run blue states, the Democrat Party has announced they are moving on to plundering your great-great-grandchildren.

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Everyone loves a good game of Uno -- everyone, that is, except nonbinary folk, who are offended by the apparently gendered "o" at the end of its name.

EVANSVILLE, IN - According to sources, a local family has been forced to buy a second freezer to hold all the nasty brown bananas they've been saving to make banana bread. 'I bought a bunch of bananas today, and they turned from green to brown on the drive…

WASHINGTON D.C.—“Who are you? Where are my pills?” These are powerful words from President Joe Biden’s joint address to Congress that echoed the concern of many Americans.When the speech first started, Biden spent a whole minute staring…

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After Senator Tim Scott said America is no longer a racist country, Democrats scrambled to prove him wrong. They quickly devastated his argument by going into storage and dusting off their old KKK hoods, which they then donned to show him…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokesman for the FDA announced Friday that it was lifting the pause on the Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine after the company reformulated the product into a trademarked No More Clots™ formula. Shares of the company jumped…

AMES, IA—After six years leading worship at Redeemer On The Rock, Joe Miller has been asked to step down after church leadership confirmed the rumor that Joe had turned thirty years old.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Washington Post drew some criticism from nutty right-wingers today after calling Joe Biden "a very Catholic president who worships Satan."