most of my life i wasnt able nor interested in socializing. then i started-learned to talk with one person, from time to time, ocasionally. then i met another person with wich i talked a lot. it wasnt that hard, it was something even i could do. but then a third person joined my life, my brain overheated and broke, and i became unable to talk with anyone. and then i started to put stuff on a channel because yes and i tried to get into talking with ppl again, step by step, bit by bit, on a telegram group, and suddenly i have 20 ppl on unread and i dont reply in half a year and this isnt doable at all. i keep talking with one of them, one of the ppl i have met this last year, but i just cant keep up with anyone else, even if they send a message every two months, it shouldnt be that hard but it is, and i try to convince myself that they are only sending content submissions for beans&crocs or snek gifs or something like that but i still cant get myself to do something about the unread messages. this shit is ridiculously frustrating, and i hate it. i used to be able to be somewhere, speak with someone, send messages, i used to be able to do things even if they were few and small. but now i cant and knowing that, and being aware that every year i am way less able to "exist" socially than the previous one, is so frustrating. and it is even more frustrating whenever i think about the fact that i lose hearing every year as well and that my years of being able to speak with someone irl are not infinite, and i am unable to not waste them. it is getting to the point where im having problems listening to music because there are ppl singing, "ppl", and i feel like im gonna end up with a "crippled musical taste" to call it something because of it, and i dont like how that sounds either. i just dont understand why i am so uncapable to talk with ppl i have known for over a decade, or for over half a decade, and why i end up worse if i try to force myself to interact with ppl regularly and i end up worse as well if i give up and stop forcing myself into talking with ppl.

this channel, in the end, gives me a way to "multiple ppl i know are subbed here, so i can post a thing here, and without talking, make a bit of my life known by those ppl", and that kinda helps probably. but i guess as soon as i start to mentally associate this channel with "ppl", as in "many ppl talk or try to talk with me because this channel exists" im gonna abandon it as well. everything is so tiring and im so angrysad that i ended up so bad again while trying to talk with a person i appreciate so much and hasnt done any bad to me ever

huh wall of text, message got divided even

well the part of "half an hour ago" is no longer precise i guess, it was when i wrote it but not when i finally sent it

heikala

alarm list normal state

alarm list today because i pressed the "i need ten more minutes pls xd" a lot of times

by the love of fucj, why cant this dude just keep his hands inside his pockets instead of going "im gonna do things" constantly