Reading must look bizarre to cats. You get a flat thing, you stare at the flat thing, and then get upset when the cat tries to entertain you by sitting on the flat thing.

A lot of people probably think that Google is “the internet”

It's hard finding a comfortable position when you go to bed, but when you have to get up, every position is comfortable.

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

Patient: I shit every morning at 2:00 am

Doctor: Good! So what's the matter?

Patient: I woke up at 3:00 am

Interviewer: what’s your greatest str–

Me: strength? finishing people’s sentences

Interviewer: ok and what about w–

me: wild animals? absolutely terrifying

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

If you lose your self-respect, you also lose the respect of others.
~ #Yiddish Proverb

Soon, all electronics will be waterproof and it’ll be funny to push your friends in the pool again.

Showing up 10 minutes late to work doesn't look very good, but nobody cares if you work 10 minutes extra.

Good Morning

I keep fighting this battle knowing I'm going to lose in the end

Ladies, before calling any man ugly make sure ur foundation matches ur neck's color

There are no strangers ..

Only friends u haven't met yet

And most of all you thought me how to love. So I promise you to love you always and forever till my last breath.

She can laugh, tell jokes, she can pretend that she's okay but inside her dark room there she is waiting for someone who can hug her and say "I know you're not okay, it's okay I can be your shoulder to cry on.

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives.

"Sorry."

I can't believe it's been over 10 years since today started