God: You’re a Giraffe

Giraffe: Why is my neck so long?

God: It’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees

Giraffe: That makes perfect sense!

*monkey climbs a nearby tree

Giraffe:

God: You weren’t supposed to see that

Living well is the best revenge.

Hitting them with your car is a close second

—If it moves, it's biology.
—If it smells, it's chemistry.
—If you don't get it, it's physics.

Hmmmmm, I always thought sex was biology, not physics

*couples that say "babe" all the time

Him: babe can you plz pass the salt babe

Her: babe sure here you go babe

Him: babe thanks babe

Her: babe you're welcome babe

Him: babe i love you babe

Her: babe i love you too babe

Him: babe

Her: babe

Together: *eyes glowing red* babe

I'm so loyal

I can't even spell chieting.

If someone calls an ambulance to save his life and that ambulance hit someone else, now should ambulance stop to save the person got hit?

The age you die at becomes your personal high score.

A high five is a assisted clap

The infinity sign is a sand clock tipped over, which is why it never ends.

Your baby teeth are still out there somewhere

A dog might be a small part in your life but you're a big part in theirs.

There's always that one song in your playlist that you always skip but never remove.

It doesn’t matter how ugly you are mosquitoes think you’re a snack

Even after 15 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear

It’s 2019 and still toilets are not safe for our phones

High schoolers in TV shows use their locker more often in one episode than a real high schooler does in a year.

The hours of 2:00-4:00 o'clock seem to be the hardest to stay awake whether it's day or night.

At one time the population number was 6,969,696,969

The book 'The Lorax' was about saving trees and the environment, but sold millions of paper copies.

Wasn't that the definition of home? Not where you're from, but where you are wanted.

Birthdays are not supposed to be celebrated. No matter how great your life is, not existing will always be better than existing. Total oblivion is the best anyone could ever ask for.