📖 Ze Manifesto of Ze Future Automobile

By Klaus “BMW” Schwab, Chief Dipstick Removal Officer

Chapter 1 – Ze End of Ownership
U vill not own ze dipstick.
U vill not own ze car.
U vill lease, subscribe, und finance forever.
Freedom is inefficient. Happiness is mandatory.

Chapter 2 – Ze Oil Sensor Doctrine
In ze old vorld, u pulled out a dirty metal stick.
In ze new vorld, ze sensor vill fail, und u vill go to ze dealer.
U vill clap as u pay €399 for ze “oil level recalibration ritual.”

Chapter 3 – Ze Buttonless Paradise
Buttons are relics of ze past.
U vill touch ze screen, even to open ze glovebox.
If ze screen freezes, u vill reboot ze car like a Windows Vista laptop.

Chapter 4 – Ze Subnoscription Plän
Heated seats are no longer free.
€19.99 per month for ze warm cheeks.
€9.99 per month for ze bright headlights.
€4.99 per month for ze horn.

Chapter 5 – Ze Engine of Tomorrow
Ze belt vill run in ze öl.
Ze chain vill rattle like ze bones of your ancestors.
Und if it breaks, ze piston vill shake hands mit ze valve.
Progress has a price. Und zat price is €7,499.

Chapter 6 – Ze Customer Experience
U vill sit in ze dealership for 4 hours.
U vill drink bad coffee.
U vill leave €2,000 poorer.
Und u vill say, “Danke, BMW.”

Final Chapter – Ze Happiness Directive
U vill not question.
U vill not resist.
U vill drive ze Ultimate Leasing Machine™.
Und u vill be happy.