Is philosophy useless? Well, it is now on account of the fact that I've solved it.

In the end the anarchists decided that any one overriding slogan was an unjustified hierarchical form of domination and it was up to each individual to freely pick their own slogan.

"Just one more question."
"Sorry I've bracketted further questions."
"Damn...he's good."

Edmond Husserl is credited with starting the philosophical field of "phenomenology", which is the study of how the world appears to us in our minds only. This means that he "brackets" questions of metaphysics (i.e. how the world truly is in itself), which of course also brackets questions like "how do we know what we are experiencing is true". This philosophy was extremely popular for a brief time, then everyone decide it was pretty pointless.

Edmond Husserl is credited with starting the philosophical field of "phenomenology", which is the study of how the world appears to us in our minds only. This means that he "brackets" questions of metaphysics (i.e. how the world truly is in itself), which of course also brackets questions like "how do we know what we are experiencing is true". This philosophy was extremely popular for a brief time, then everyone got tired of it and decided to be postmodernists.

"Have you ever actually seduced anyone?"
"I once seduced my own despair, does that count?"
"No."

Diary of a Seducer was an essay by Kierkegaard used to explain the aesthetic life. He wrote it shortly after breaking off his engagement with Regine Olson, which he said was because he could not commit to being a husband, and like the comic says, due to his profound depression. Rumors circulated that it was based on his own broken engagement, but that was unfounded. It's possible that Kierkegaard published it to try to make himself look a bit cooler though.
Not totally related, but Kierkegaard's journal of how he originally "seduced" her is pretty funny too (she was already engaged to Johan Frederik Schlegel at this point, who she eventually married):

On 8 September I left home with the firm intention of settling the whole thing. We met on the street just outside their house. She said there was no one at home. I was rash enough to take this as the invitation I needed. I went in with her. There we stood, the two of us alone in the living room. She was a little flustered. I asked her to play something for me as she usually did. She does so but I don’t manage to say anything. Then I suddenly grab the score, close it not without a certain vehemence, throw it onto the piano and say: Oh! What do I care for music, it’s you I want, I have wanted you for two years. She kept silent. As it happens, I had taken no steps to captivate her, I had even warned her against me, against my melancholy. And when she mentioned a relationship with Schlegel, I said: let that relationship be a parenthesis for I have first priority...she mostly kept silent.

"Yes, but what if the philosophy zombie can't feel any pain, and is only pretending to be a wimpy nerd?"