"Also there was a previous comic about de Beauvoir as 'Ambiguity Woman' who seemed to think ambiguity is good, so that makes it more confusing..."

While existential philosophers never directly talked about whether that was a valid meaning of life, Camus at least strongly hinted that it was.

Of course in reality they excommunicated him for his "evil opinions". They never said what these opinions were though, so for all we know it was for his favoring pure reason over empirical knowledge.

In reality, they apparently weren't fooled quite so easily. While Spinoza did sort of believe in God, it was a God that wasn't too compatible with the religions of the time. As a result, Spinoza was excommunicated when he was 23, which was actually before he published anything, but presumably it was for his radical 'Atheist' ideas. They claimed the reason was for his "evil opinions" and "abominable heresies", as well as "monstrous deeds". They didn't really expand on exactly what that meant.

In reality, the Jewish court that convicted him weren't fooled quite so easily. While Spinoza did sort of believe in God, it was a God that wasn't too compatible with the religions of the time. As a result, Spinoza was excommunicated when he was 23, which was actually before he published anything, but presumably it was for his radical 'Atheist' ideas. They claimed the reason was for his "evil opinions" and "abominable heresies", as well as "monstrous deeds". They didn't really expand on exactly what that meant.

"Also I've suddenly found myself conscious of every porn video in existence, and what the hell? Why are you guys like this?"

Yes, that is exactly what Rousseau meant by "forced to be free".

Hobbes and Rousseau had somewhat different definitions of freedom, with Hobbes giving a very narrow view, claiming that freedom was doing what you wish without physical restraint, even going so far as saying someone would be free to choose in a "money or your life" situation.
Rousseau, on the other hand, thought freedom was using your reason to give your freedom over your own base animal instincts. So the robber himself wouldn't be free in the situation, because a rational being would exist in society peacefully by rationally agreeing to obey the general will.
Both were social contract theorists and thought the State had legitimate power to force its citizens to obey, in various ways.

Yeah, Ancient Greek philosophers laid the foundation for modern thought, but they were also weird as hell when you get down to it.

Empedocles was an ancient Greek philosopher, best known for his classic idea that everyone was composed of the four primary elements, that are still used in video games and things: Earth, Fire, Water, and Air. He also thought Love and Strife were the real divine roots of reality. He was reacting against the monism of Parmenides, and perhaps the atomism of Anaxagoras and others. Those two had the much more common idea that there was either only one ultimate substance, or an infinite amount. Saying there are exactly "four" things is pretty rare.
He was also a bit of a mystic, similar to Pythagoras, his tutor. He believed in reincarnation, performed miracles, and claimed he was a god. According to one story, in order to "prove" he was a God he was going to disappear entirely after he died (kind of like Yoda does), and did this by jumping into a volcano. I guess the volcano left his iconic bronze sandals, disproving that he was a God. Not 100% clear on the logic of that one, but Ancient Greeks thought a little differently than we do today.
Find out more about him on The History of Philosophy Without Any Gaps