this means we are going down?

wait a second i can shitpost and then buy ads?

I am once again asking for financial support, please send stars

Now i need to wait 21 day

hey guys, this now takes 3 hours to create with claude code cli max what are your excuses?

https://apps.apple.com/en/app/dailyc-one-moment-journal/id6756198966?l=en-GB

pebble arrived

i no longer have an objective, why you guys live? what’s the point for you to live? i am totally incapable of living dumb life

about week ago i had a mental breakdown, i went and destroyed my mac completely - i couldn’t stand doing pet projects that doesn’t work at the expense of people around me. i experienced such amount of hate to everything that i haven’t ever experienced, the difference is that time i hated myself and what i was doing. people who know me for long time know that sometimes i go nuts and i destroy one piece of furniture and than i feel sorry and my anger passes, this time it did not. i never physically hurt anyone and i am incapable of doing so even when i am losing myself, i am glad that this piece of me still exist, that the hate is contained to my property or myself.

now i am depressed, everything i was doing was wrong, there no way back and no possible way forward. what i can possibly do differently? if i wouldn’t do as i did my family wouldn’t be living in the california, i was probably stuck in some shithole with a baby on my hands or even worse - without one. i don’t remember anyone that tried to help me to get peaceful with myself, like truly sit with me and help to navigate hardships, i always felt alone in this crusade. why people stopped helping each other? why i need to go to therapy if i need a friend. i was betrayed so many times by closest friends, why was my life like this? why my work ends up ignored or ruined or stolen? why friends are temporary? what did i do wrong to people? what i can change?

every time i was a pleasant person i got extremely badly hurt. then i am going back to my box. i have filled this box with ambition, persistence and pure testosterone. no one tried to spend time with me, i always needed to go to extreme lengths to meet people and they still will forget. i was never invited, i am invited only because i have aura of success or engineering excellence, not because i am a friend. people mostly just try to feed of it, not genuinely connect.

i tried to learn how to do better, i kept nice people around me, i was learning from them, but it is not natural for me - i can be pleasant if i am not afraid (deeply in love and feel safe in relationships) or when people around me are pleasant. feeling safe in relationships is a rare thing for me, i think i just had very bad one when i was 19 (but everyone had why me?). pleasant people tend to not invite less pleasant so it never sticks and i can’t contribute i am just smart, every fucking time i was right but it makes everyone depressed. perhaps i can fix that. i was proposed yesterday to just less criticise people around even when it is valid, like if mistake is not that bad just ignore it and allow it to pass. i think i figured that if something i am saying and if it triggers end of relationship then this should be definitely worth the risk, this reduces amount of my criticism to people 10-fold.

i have optimised for success, but it turns out it is a lonely road and even other guys who tries to do something probably won’t help you and close friends also won’t participate.

i tried optimising for people happiness around - it is unrewarding path - i always still felt alone.

i tried optimising for my happiness thinking that me happy is better then unhappy and second order effects are much better this way. people got mad too and never supported.

what i need to optimise for at all? i just want to be loved and nothing works at all.

thank you guys i got 10+ dms and your warm comments, this very valuable helps me not to kill myself

i feel much better thanks guys and i figured how stupid i am. i totally found what’s the problem and that i can fix in my case forever🫣

before i was 14, i had simple values - i identified my moral compass as just being a “knight”, not the one in the steel but more like a protector of weak, educated, gentle, very very good with women

i was obsessed with other gender since i fall in love first time at 6, i have stated coding only year later - i was always a combination of love to the computer and to the woman. woman was the first.

then when i became 14 i did a remarkably smart and stupid thing: i have asked myself “by why?”. like why hold the door for the woman, who made this up? why i need to do so? i was smart enough to ask this question, but not capable to answer. i wasn’t able to answer it till today. the answer is simply: “you just do it unconditionally”. it was a huge crisis of my personality that never ended. it didn’t change me immediately but i started to challenge virtually every assumption. that’s how i planted seed of total madness and greatness at the same time. asking questions is good but challenging everything to the core leads only to madness.

second thing happened when i was 20 - i got into really really hot and toxic relationship, it totally fucked my brain. she has SA history before me and she passed part of her madness to me. now i started to lose confidence in my own mind. i started to not do unconditional love to anyone. i think i am just close to recovery after 14 years.

another thing happened somewhere between and i got a lot of engineering experience, but in engineering you is a dog that predicts failure. the more failures you can predict the better you build. now you predict human failures all the time too.

how this all connected you might ask? it turns out it formed an invisible price in my head on every single thing i needed to do. i had no clue that i am doing this subconsciously.

someone asks you to do something? you weight it against what you are doing now. you need to help your partner? then you weight it against if partner struggled enough to match me (what a disgusting way of thought!!).

so imagine you have a pregnant wife and she picks a bag in supermarket and you just stay and watch while she tries to get bags, then some georgian man exclaims “why the fuck you are staying?” and helps her.

well i don’t need to imagine that, why the fuck i didn’t do anything? why the fuck i didn’t do anything next day? and next day? i just felt it is ok to do it by herself, since she could have done that. i just estimated it is ok since she capable of doing so. why the fuck you need to evaluate anything here to decide help or not help? what the fuck? am i autistic? i was holding the doors for girls all the time when i was 14, at 30 i stopped even helping pregnant woman??? wat? i was treating woman like a gods, a little obsessive tho.

same mechanism seems to be triggering depression when someone asks you to do something at work, you evaluate if it is make sense to do and if it is not you are getting pissed off. this is very exhausting. then you go home and not help pregnant woman. because ofc you got tired.

someone does something and i am now run a failure mode detection, which pisses off around and then everyone loses their motivation and you got angry even more. endless loop of hate.

was i always before like this? not really, i have several big loves when i was pre-14. one were is one of the smartest persons i have ever meet, one of my classmates once called why she didn’t continue dating me after she moved out of school, and she compressed beautifully to “he doesn’t have frames”. absolutely fascinating summary, and i totally agree till same day. i was never accused of being non sensitive or abusive back then. it all started after a trauma at 18-19. i have only slept with only one girl before traumatic one, so i can’t really compare if active sex life was the reason. first one was also quite dramatic.

i am solving this by simply saying fuck this shit of measuring if you should help based on some estimations of imaginary price.

just use unconditional love instead. emo should be popular once again, it will help everyone.

unconditional love is scary but it is also fun, just do the fun part, not the scary one.

my search to learn about emotional suppression ended up to crazy findings i was unaware of.

i noticed something really weird in my perception, i was like ignoring part of the things in people around. while you can say it is just being arrogant, but then i noticed that i haven’t seen some sex related stuff, seemingly harmless, like not noticing a hot dress. meanwhile i had the thought very vivid “oh it would be nice her to wear nice dress”. which is bizarre right? i want stuff that i am already getting and i just ignore it. meanwhile it is not high level thing it is a low, almost hormonal, level which has much less chance of being affected by beliefs.

well it turns out when you suppress feelings you are not suppressing only them but also perception of stuff that can trigger some emotions.

think about it. you are depressed - you are suppressing positive things about you. you try to be professional at work and completely miss that someone is into you at your work. you try to focus on work, you missing out on sex. which is totally aligned how overworked individuals or communities has much less sex.

i am pretty sure there are second order effects of this: i am pretty sure that this could affect my ability to build products. if u suppress empathy (on a very high level - not turning into a psycho) - you miss people around you and you can’t build a good product anymore since you have no clue what people are doing, want, love. at the moment most of my personal attempts that failed now looks very very immature indeed. i still not sure that this is true but surely feels like.

learned that some people tried to manipulate me or go against me, which is not big deal really, but i didnt expect it from bay area people. I talked to some and shared something quite personal, seeing genuine friendly reaction and willingnes to help. Then behind my back they use this information against me.

Not big deal, i always gave huge benefit of the doubt to anyone i met also I have tried to setup things to allow people to show themselves (in a good way), but people almost always never failed to disappoint. I naturally became immune to it. Imagine if you often the smartest in the room (but ofc i met a lot of people to whom i am very dumb), you just cant be constantly disappointed in people. Everyone has their own lives, history, this is the beauty of people, being able to figure out logical stuff is not enough, and a single brain cant fit everything anyway. In fact i think smartness value diminishes after some specific treshold, and in bay area most people are smart in one way or another.

It seems i can simply hold my existing principles: give a lot of room for people to do moderately bad things to me and ignore anything that is not crossing some treshold and even then simply stop communicating with such people. This is a very very very low bandwith framework, it wont interfere with my life and it saves a lot of space in my head by not needing evaluating behaviours.

Defining such treshold is not that trivial. Making direct harm is clearly crosses the line, trying to extort something from me too. Sometimes i met crazy people that went to my friends saying bizzare things about me or asked acting directly against me, thankfully it was always reported and they were sent to fuck themselves by friends. Trying to spread bad "rumours" crosses the line. Sharing something that i privately shared is case-by-case and in fact it is ok - i usually well aware about person's morale and information hygiene. Using information i am sharing to compete with my products - definitely crosses the line, which is often sad thing tho - i wouldn't share trade secrets if i wouldnt be sure in a person. Attempt of doing something that leads to the disaster - i am ok with it if intent was good or neutral (you cant blame idiot for being one).

What LLM thinks about this examples:

The key distinction you're making is between passive disappointment (people being flawed, selfish, unreliable) versus active betrayal (taking something you gave in good faith and converting it into a tool against you). The former is just human nature; the latter is a deliberate choice to exploit access.

It seems that principle is simple:
treshold is weaponizing trust to actively work against me

Everything else is just being human.

Finaly received a replacement mac, installed ssh, git, sourcetree, cursor, kitty terminal, arc, k9s + lens, homebrew, inellij ide, tailscale, 1password.

Ok what build next? i guess nothing. I am pretty sure there is a series of doable products:

1. new github/ide/deployment/whatever
2. new smart home systems
3. design systems / 100x of typical swe workflows
4. messenger, todo, any social
5. robotic stuff
6. content stuff (make a full blown movie from prompts? easy)
7. personal coach apps (AI based etc etc)
8. personal memory systems
9. simple games?
10. automate children?

etc etc

But why?

nothing buildable alone and getting aligned for multuple people is not that easy, especially assuming it would require multiple years

collectivism vs individualism

I never tried to explain to myself whats really the difference here and why i hate any form of socialism? following my discovery of emotion suppression, i was able to answer it easily.

Collectivism expects a bunch of people to share the same cultural code, feel the same, talk the same. If you are not is the same you are a traitor. collectivism literlly forces you to suppress emotions and "fit in" instead of developing your own path, which, as we know, would suppress and alter perception and anything unusual or interesting is completely ignored. This is true for many group of people that have to be together: from countries to corporations, but effects are strikingly similar.

Effects are quite telling: collectivistic organizations can't produce anything new and ends up rotting.

Look around: can Disney produce something new outside of pricess-verse where each story is almost the same? why Expedition 33 can't be built by ubisoft? why apple can't innovate anymore? why USSR needed a prosche engine for mass manufactured cars?

Every single time a member of a hivemind would ask itself "what is normal thing to do". Should we put unrelated LGBT scene to the tv show? sure we have done this for decade. Should we make a thinner phone? Sure we were shrinking everything every year for two decades. If you is in collective - how you can stand up and say "this all is shit we need to do something different" - it is almost impossible if you don't have a power. But people in power would have stable income for years doing nothing, why would they risk?

Whats differrent in individualism? i was wrongly making distinction that individualism is where everyone is isolated, but this is not actually true. Individualism == different cultular code + collaboration. No one suppresses anything, but just learns about people around or navigates alongside, instead of trying to shape people around. Each person is different, not shaped to fit. Thats how new ideas are made - you cant fit everything to a single brain, you collaborate. You share. You melt thoughts together and get a (much) better result.

It is very natural to fall into collectivism, it is just natural - many people think it is for the best, that's what word "team" means. In fact you have to fight it at every possible way.

On personal level it is very easy to fall to the comfort of echo chamber or start to shape people around you instead of collaborating (both are form of emotion suppression on both sides). On team level - you should bust and empower everyone to avoid "simply following orders", emerging of fake leaders, etc. On organization level you must non-stop say that you must innovate every single second above everything, no matter what you will say - people would be still slower and lean to tribalize everything. On country level - you must fight for the most distributed governments as you can. Taxes should be local. Laws should be very local people dependent. That's the only way to prosperity. You know, only one country is designed like this.

I think i have uncovered some hidden wisdom that people here, in US, have. May be that's why i was mad when i was "forced" to do something, since i expected my ideas to be accepted as is. i started to talk thought and listen team mates, i am no longer mad. I thought that if i am offloading some decisions - this means that i am just doing less, less responsible, being less valuable, which is clearly not true.

Common culture code is overrated.

The Invisible Guest Theory

New idea that started to circle on X, i like it a lot:

Almost every time you step into a party, a dinner, a meeting, or any gathering, people aren’t really thinking about you. They’re caught up in their own thoughts. Wondering if they sound intelligent. Checking if their clothes look right. Asking themselves whether they’re being liked. Most of the time, you’re barely a blip in their awareness.

Not because you’re unimportant, but because everyone is absorbed in their own inner world.

Have you ever left a room thinking about your previous actions while having this feeling that you were judged by other people?

The truth is, they weren’t. They probably didn’t even notice. If most people are too focused on themselves to see your imperfections, why live as if you’re constantly on display?

I would say it is only partially true, but mental model is right. ofc there is people that "judge" everyone around, but i doubt many people change relationships based on anything you are performing. I had a story in my life when i was dramatically betrayed (not once even) and most of my friends, event relatives, continued to talk to such people, even invite us both to common parties. I was screaming to them "you know what this guy did to me?" and i have only seen the dead eyes ignoring what i am saying. People always actively ignored my ask to not to talk to someone and exclude someone from their lifes, at best they continued communication behind my back.

Second order effects are interesting: social anxiety is stupid, no one ever thinks about you, especially if they are not super close friends. In my practice even significant others not thinking THAT much as you usually picture in your head (or my life just super sad idk). I have never seen anyone having any kind of justice when something social wise was done badly. "Nothing ever happens" is true for almost every social interaction in my life.

You can just be yourself and nothing will happen anyway. Even more: it would be nice to anything to happen. Attention is all you need, but modern man has virtually zero attention to you.