hi people, ive been slow and not posting much lately (for the whole year really), but for those who are sticking around i want to talk about my experience and send an important message about what ive seen around queer and trans communities and what ive been going through for a long time, how ive changed and share some advice that i think some people could reflect on because they dont have the same experience as me
im not gonna spoiler it, but be wary: THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE and other things
im not gonna spoiler it, but be wary: THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SEXUAL VIOLENCE and other things
❤17
ive been transitioning medically for almost 2 years now, ive had to recalibrate all of my friendships, ive had to figure out who in my life supported and actually wanted me or not, i quit my job because mentally i couldnt stand it anymore after the point of getting the money for private medical care, i live on my own and am basically almost completely independent.
ive spent a good handful of months in the psych ward's day hospital, getting antidepressants injected in me because of the gravity of my mental state, almost got sent to a clinic 2 hours away from home and went to the ER twice before i could be recognized as trans AND with actual problems, ive had more than two months of benzos and antispsychotics that did nothing to me but worsen my habits and make me feel shittier. eventually i made it out, i'm in a decent mental state, unemployed, and i admit i'm fairly good looking and with awesome friends that you can count on one hand probably.
i am in a pretty good place, even if insecure about my weight because with time and meds ive figured out how to like myself, how to get help, how to manage myself, how to have good people around. it's not all good thought, and what i've been through and still hear about to this day is very important and made me realize the amount of filth there can still exist around those you think you can love and trust.
ive spent a good handful of months in the psych ward's day hospital, getting antidepressants injected in me because of the gravity of my mental state, almost got sent to a clinic 2 hours away from home and went to the ER twice before i could be recognized as trans AND with actual problems, ive had more than two months of benzos and antispsychotics that did nothing to me but worsen my habits and make me feel shittier. eventually i made it out, i'm in a decent mental state, unemployed, and i admit i'm fairly good looking and with awesome friends that you can count on one hand probably.
i am in a pretty good place, even if insecure about my weight because with time and meds ive figured out how to like myself, how to get help, how to manage myself, how to have good people around. it's not all good thought, and what i've been through and still hear about to this day is very important and made me realize the amount of filth there can still exist around those you think you can love and trust.
❤34
[AS I SAID, TW SEXUAL VIOLENCE]
long story short, ive been sexually violated by another trans woman. someone that for months i thought i could trust, it had to come to the point of me not being able to sleep at night to cry, ive had to take some time to realize that what happened was not right, and it's one of the reason ive ended up to the ER twice because i was extremely afraid of attempting suicide. there used to be a real possibility i was not alive to this day.
there's cultures and stereotypes around queer and trans spaces, and we all know how important it is to build community and support each other, other trans people in your life do make it easier to understand yourself and i do stand by the idea you have to help the next one with every tool you have, because we are people that are not and will not be respected and treated equally for a long time, it's a fight we all know is difficult and currently maybe even not winnable.
but we shouldn't forget that people can do wrong.
i think it comes from a place of internet culture, the way a lot of us act and the ideas a lot of us have, and there are things that are correct and good to take, but there is some harm in going head first in safe and comfortable community ideas that are seen as "good" and belonging to the type of queer you are, but this does not mean you can abuse that and ignore other things.
polyamory is a good thing, but i've seen people that can't handle one on one relationships engage in it. having a spinny amazon skirt is good, but it doesnt get you to your own fashion sense. playing video games is good, but playing what everyone else is playing makes you less unique. and so on obviously
my point about the sexual violence is it was ANOTHER -TRANS- PERSON. and i'm not the only one that has had this kind of terrible interaction with other trans folk. we tend to point our finger at cis men, rightly so, but ive heard so many cases of missing consent or giving it for granted just because we are "the same". it doesn't work like that. it never did. it never will.
because we are similar doesn't mean we feel comfortable with the same things, the same ideas, the same way of living and acting. because we need to build community doesnt mean we are absolved of sin, that we don't have an unpleasant side, that we can't have bad ideas. and this seems to be overlooked in a lot of queer spaces i've ended up with. as trans people we tend to blame cis men, RIGHTLY SO, for most of our issues. but we forget that the same crimes cis men do can be done from us. and it's inexcusable. i am not a saint myself, at least according to the state: i shoplift, i like writing on walls, i like going at protests despite the right wing government that's up right now, i've even had a lot of luck getting my HRT and name changed both legally, before any of the laws that are being proposed and could spread to worse situations could harm me.
but please, remember as a community we have to help and educate each other. we have to support each other. and it's the exact opposite of what happened when i got violated.
there are at least three people i can name that are accomplices to what happened, that have been gaslighted to think that never happened. that don't have this idea of a victim to a crime done by a trans person. ive been treated in a way that made me think -i was- the one in the wrong, that a sister could never do this, that their friend could never be an abuser. but she was. and she will forever be.
i've been offered apologies and mediation with this person. you don't apologize to an abuse. i was drunk before and i cried on the side of the bed after. there are no excuses. and i will spare you all the graphical details of what happened in between.
online trans spaces make you believe it's ok to love each other, to explore sexuality, to be open with your relationships. but it's not something you earn when you have the status of transgender. it's something you discover. and i've seen many people jump from 0 to 100 without looking what's in between, on the road.
long story short, ive been sexually violated by another trans woman. someone that for months i thought i could trust, it had to come to the point of me not being able to sleep at night to cry, ive had to take some time to realize that what happened was not right, and it's one of the reason ive ended up to the ER twice because i was extremely afraid of attempting suicide. there used to be a real possibility i was not alive to this day.
there's cultures and stereotypes around queer and trans spaces, and we all know how important it is to build community and support each other, other trans people in your life do make it easier to understand yourself and i do stand by the idea you have to help the next one with every tool you have, because we are people that are not and will not be respected and treated equally for a long time, it's a fight we all know is difficult and currently maybe even not winnable.
but we shouldn't forget that people can do wrong.
i think it comes from a place of internet culture, the way a lot of us act and the ideas a lot of us have, and there are things that are correct and good to take, but there is some harm in going head first in safe and comfortable community ideas that are seen as "good" and belonging to the type of queer you are, but this does not mean you can abuse that and ignore other things.
polyamory is a good thing, but i've seen people that can't handle one on one relationships engage in it. having a spinny amazon skirt is good, but it doesnt get you to your own fashion sense. playing video games is good, but playing what everyone else is playing makes you less unique. and so on obviously
my point about the sexual violence is it was ANOTHER -TRANS- PERSON. and i'm not the only one that has had this kind of terrible interaction with other trans folk. we tend to point our finger at cis men, rightly so, but ive heard so many cases of missing consent or giving it for granted just because we are "the same". it doesn't work like that. it never did. it never will.
because we are similar doesn't mean we feel comfortable with the same things, the same ideas, the same way of living and acting. because we need to build community doesnt mean we are absolved of sin, that we don't have an unpleasant side, that we can't have bad ideas. and this seems to be overlooked in a lot of queer spaces i've ended up with. as trans people we tend to blame cis men, RIGHTLY SO, for most of our issues. but we forget that the same crimes cis men do can be done from us. and it's inexcusable. i am not a saint myself, at least according to the state: i shoplift, i like writing on walls, i like going at protests despite the right wing government that's up right now, i've even had a lot of luck getting my HRT and name changed both legally, before any of the laws that are being proposed and could spread to worse situations could harm me.
but please, remember as a community we have to help and educate each other. we have to support each other. and it's the exact opposite of what happened when i got violated.
there are at least three people i can name that are accomplices to what happened, that have been gaslighted to think that never happened. that don't have this idea of a victim to a crime done by a trans person. ive been treated in a way that made me think -i was- the one in the wrong, that a sister could never do this, that their friend could never be an abuser. but she was. and she will forever be.
i've been offered apologies and mediation with this person. you don't apologize to an abuse. i was drunk before and i cried on the side of the bed after. there are no excuses. and i will spare you all the graphical details of what happened in between.
online trans spaces make you believe it's ok to love each other, to explore sexuality, to be open with your relationships. but it's not something you earn when you have the status of transgender. it's something you discover. and i've seen many people jump from 0 to 100 without looking what's in between, on the road.
❤15
if we want to be safe, we need to hold accountable those who don't make it feel as such, those who DON'T MAKE IT SUCH. just because someone is queer, trans, lesbian, gay, asexual, disabled, doesnt mean they can't cause harm. and i wish for everyone to make for a better community by recognizing this.
in the same way your parents and your family can disagree to support you or are ok with hurting you, the same argument can be made in a queer space. please everyone, be the best person you can be. don't succumb to a narrative that puts yourself into stereotypes and elements.
in the same way your parents and your family can disagree to support you or are ok with hurting you, the same argument can be made in a queer space. please everyone, be the best person you can be. don't succumb to a narrative that puts yourself into stereotypes and elements.
❤17
the reason i'm saying all of this is because ive seen other people suffer from the same issues that i've suffered from, which don't seem to be talked about.
the reason i'm saying all of this is not everyone is perfect, but this doesn't mean we don't have to hold accountable those who do harm because they are "just like us". that is the narrative of the cis man we all hate.
the reason i'm saying all of this is that being trans, at the end of the day, means being yourself.
we are here in this world to be ourselves, and us trans folk have it harder, and will have it harder for a long time. but we have to like ourselves and radiate our joy. we are not what the internet says. we are not what someone overseas says. we are ourselves and have to be ourselves to be happy. we are not other people, we are not to follow a set of rules. dysphoria is solved by discovering our person. not following the next. sexuality is discovered by exploring safely, not taking what we want by force. happiness is what you like to be and do, not following a set of rules.
be yourself, help your trans siblings, and build a safe network of friends.
because i've felt violated by all the people that were accomplices of my abuser, i've gone out of my mind, and i've heard similar stories being treated in a similar way. we must be better, please. don't take anything for granted, but be yourself by all means.
we are one of the strongest category of people living in the world right now. please prove it to me by recognizing that some of our peers, or even us, can do wrong.
and for whoever knows me im glad to tell my story in more detail personally, but that's not the case right now.
the reason i'm saying all of this is not everyone is perfect, but this doesn't mean we don't have to hold accountable those who do harm because they are "just like us". that is the narrative of the cis man we all hate.
the reason i'm saying all of this is that being trans, at the end of the day, means being yourself.
we are here in this world to be ourselves, and us trans folk have it harder, and will have it harder for a long time. but we have to like ourselves and radiate our joy. we are not what the internet says. we are not what someone overseas says. we are ourselves and have to be ourselves to be happy. we are not other people, we are not to follow a set of rules. dysphoria is solved by discovering our person. not following the next. sexuality is discovered by exploring safely, not taking what we want by force. happiness is what you like to be and do, not following a set of rules.
be yourself, help your trans siblings, and build a safe network of friends.
because i've felt violated by all the people that were accomplices of my abuser, i've gone out of my mind, and i've heard similar stories being treated in a similar way. we must be better, please. don't take anything for granted, but be yourself by all means.
we are one of the strongest category of people living in the world right now. please prove it to me by recognizing that some of our peers, or even us, can do wrong.
and for whoever knows me im glad to tell my story in more detail personally, but that's not the case right now.
❤14
and if my abuser is reading this, fuck you, fuck your gaslighting to the people around me, fuck you for making me seem crazy, fuck you for being the cause of losing a relationship i believed in so much, fuck you for being one of the major reasons ive ended up in the psych ward, fuck you for never understanding your wrongs, fuck the people around you that believed you, and fuck you again.
i've finally found the courage to report everything to the police by myself. because it's the only thing i can do in this situation
i've finally found the courage to report everything to the police by myself. because it's the only thing i can do in this situation
❤11
that said, i dont think i will be curating this channel as much as i used to do one year and more ago. i'm too busy and tired. thank you to all the people that sticked around. remember to be yourself at all costs, help those that have your same issues, and always do what you want. it's the only thing we have. sending love to everyone that stuck around, hoping i can be better in the future and you all too
❤25
i think im gonna do some kind of "rebranding" soon but im busy lately and celebrating two years of hrt in a week so whatever im gonna come back soon with some attention seeking news
❤15💘6
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NEW CHANNEL IS ON!!!!!
gonna abandon this and use this other one as a platform exclusively in italian with a blog like format rather than memes etc
stirbanposting original run is officially over
NEW CHANNEL IS ON!!!!!
gonna abandon this and use this other one as a platform exclusively in italian with a blog like format rather than memes etc
stirbanposting original run is officially over
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