The whistling song is the main sound track of an old 1969 British Horror film,
"Twisted Nerve", composed by Bernard Herrmann.
It's been featured in two Quentin Tarantino films.
"Kill Bill " and "Death Proof (2007)"
And in "American Horror Story" aswell

I wanna be 12 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas

Though I than He - may longer live
He longer must - than I -
For I have but the power to kill,
Without - the power to die

My Life had stood – a Loaded Gun' by Emily Dickinson

Living has become the constant nightmare

Me: i should be dating someone by now

Also me: but how would i be able to explain it when i suddenly disappear for three weeks

“Well, now, you may be asking yourself: What is all this? I can’t save the world. What about my life? I didn’t ask to come here. I didn’t ask to be born. Didn’t you? I put it to you that you did. You not only asked to be born, you insisted on your life. That is why you are here. No other reason. It was too easy not to be. Now that you are here, you have to do something you respect, don’t you? Your parents did not dream you up—you did. I am simply urging you to continue the dream you started. For dreaming is not irresponsible; it is first-order human business. It is not entertainment; it is work. When Martin Luther King Jr. said, “I have a dream,” he was not playing; he was serious. When he imagined it, envisioned it, created it in his own mind it began to be, and we must dream it too to give it the heft and stretch and longevity it deserves. Don’t let anybody, anybody convince you this is the way the world is and therefore must be. It must be the way it ought to be.”
— Toni Morrison, The Source of Self-Regard

یه تیکه از فیلم the invasion هست که سر میز شام پروفسور یورش به کارول میگه:

«یه روکشی از نزاکت روی رفتارهای واقعی و علایق شخصی ما کشیده شده و این طبیعت دنیای ماست، اینطور نیست؟ من میگم که تمدن یه فریبه، یه توهمه، یه بازیه که همه بهش تظاهر میکنیم و حقیقت واقعی اینه که ما هنوز هم حیوان هستیم
حیواناتی که با همون غرایز بدوی شون هدایت میشن. همه اون چیزی که من میگم اینه که این تمدن هروقت که بهش نیاز داشتیم فروریخته.
در موقعیت مناسب همه ما قادر به انجام وحشتناک‌ترین جنایات هستیم.»

“I’m going to think about death until my mouth runs. I’m going to look at death with a face as terrible as his own. I don’t want to scare you; after death there are two alternatives, both heartless: memory & forgetfulness.”

— Jon Anderson.

Imagine everything you want and dream out of life, then imaging subconsciously going about doing everything you can to prevent that from happening.
That's self sabotage.

Note to self 5

Just know something, you’re not your thoughts and you are so much stronger than any negative thought that is creating the self-sabotaging behavior.