Talking to my 82 year old mom about all the news of Trump. She interrupted me and said, “Hoss, the only way I can stomach to watch that pre-death bloated Mango Mussolini on the news is with my resting bitch face applied and a glass of wine at the ready!”
Holy Wisdom Shit Balls

Jared Diamond molested me and blamed it on geography

He was just indicted? Wow. I didn’t know that. You’re telling me now for the first time. He led an amazing life. What else can you say? He was an amazing man. Whether you agreed or not, he was an amazing man who led an amazing life. I’m actually saddened to hear that.

[youth pastor voice] you know who else was arrested the week before Easter?

hey peter, install counter strike source

Range Safety: Let him cook

I'll bet anyone $10 million dollars that the US does not enter hyperinflation

You watching succession meanwhile your bitch givin me a suck session

Pat Robertson: Dead
Sleeper Agent Brett: Activated
Donald Trump: Indicted

Trust the plan

What if George Floyd was on the submarine?

Gorsuch normally: it’s completely within an employer’s rights to castrate any employee
Gorsuch on reservation law: I am issuing this ruling from Piscataway land

“it's hot" "i'm burning up" "the smoke from the fires makes it hard to breathe" imagine how rbg feels

yooo I won the lottery, all I had to do was wire them the transfer fee

oh sorry I’ll unfollow him right away I was a fan of his boulder rolling but I never knew about him betraying zeus or tricking thanatos and persephone

I am going to be voting Trump if Biden doesn’t pardon Hunter

Reminder to call a Catholic cringe today!

its over

fell for the phishing test

(Person who has seen 200 movies) “I didn’t truly love movies until I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. A cinematic achievement that changed my life”

(Person who has seen 2000 movies) “you guys should hop on Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)”

This channel stands with Israel

SCALISE: Should I pursue this campaign for Speaker?

ORACLE OF DELPHI: Should you run against Jordan to succeed McCarthy, a Louisianan will be elected Speaker.

SCALISE: haha nice