- Is my password safe from Russian hackers?
- Da

#internet

A man was driving down the M5 about 3am doing 100mph when he gets pulled over by the police.

The officer says in a thick west country accent "do you realise sir how dangerous it is to drive at such a high speeds on this motorway"?
The driver protests "it's 3am officer there's nobody else on the road I just want to get home"
The copper says "you think its clear and safe but what if you had come round that bend sir and come across Mr fog"?
The man smiles and says smugly
"I would simply put Mr foot, on Mr brake"

The copper growls "I SAID MIST, OR FOG"

#stupid

"I'm starting to think you're not a very good pilot."

"Why? A bird Ianded in the engine. It happens all the time."

"Yeah, but not with a fucking ostrich."

#other

As a BMW driver I can confirm that we do use our indicators. In fact we use all 4 of them at a same time whenever we are parked at a bus stop, disabled bay or double yellow lines. BMWs even have a special red triangle on the dashboard, which is called a ''park anywhere'' button. It does what it says on the tin. Park anywhere, press the red triangle and all 4 indicators come on at once. Guaranteed traffic warden proof.

#other

I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite...
He said "NaBrO"

Why do you never see black people on a cruise?

They aint fallin for that one again.

#racism

When exactly does CPR become necrophilia?

#other

I really am 'God's gift to women'.

I'm a cunt.

#other

I have a phobia of abbreviations. Laugh out Loud.

#other

CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the african-american version of "Snow White,” has
been cancelled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, DriveBy, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends nigger prostitutes. They also say they have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go”.

#racism

Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

#wordplay

I saw my Mum wearing mittens today.

I thought, 'That's a bit odd in the middle of summer. . . .to put on a dead cat.'

#other

I am sometimes unsure in today's Britain , whether my five-a-day involves eating fruit & veg or praying to Allah.

#other

I was telling my mate about my woman leaving me, then my dog got run over by the train she had fucked off on,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, " he said, "what are you going to do?"

"Drink a shit load of whisky and write a million seller country song, " I replied.

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog...

#other

I saw video on whatsapp of a bloke sucking his own cock.
It got me thinking is that gay or not?
I really couldn't make my mind up, I mean if you have a wank it's not like touching someone elses cock so probably not.
The bloke bumming him was definitely gay though.

#sexandshit

What's four feet wide, sits at the side of the road and waits for a cunt to come along?

A cycle path.

#other

I was on a diet once.

Worst 4 hours of my life.

#other

As I sat next to her on our first date, she smiled and said, "You're not a professional killer, are you?"

"No," I replied truthfully.

It's only a weekend thing, so it's more of a hobby.

#other

"Dad, is it true if I eat my crusts, it'll make my hair go curly?"

"You don't need to worry about that, son."

"So it's a myth then?"

"Dunno. Just fucking hurry up, you've got your chemo in half an hour..."

#illness

The world tongue twister champion died in a tragic motorway accident yesterday.

He was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry...

#other