When exactly does CPR become necrophilia?

#other

I really am 'God's gift to women'.

I'm a cunt.

#other

I have a phobia of abbreviations. Laugh out Loud.

#other

CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the african-american version of "Snow White,” has
been cancelled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, DriveBy, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends nigger prostitutes. They also say they have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go”.

#racism

Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

#wordplay

I saw my Mum wearing mittens today.

I thought, 'That's a bit odd in the middle of summer. . . .to put on a dead cat.'

#other

I am sometimes unsure in today's Britain , whether my five-a-day involves eating fruit & veg or praying to Allah.

#other

I was telling my mate about my woman leaving me, then my dog got run over by the train she had fucked off on,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, " he said, "what are you going to do?"

"Drink a shit load of whisky and write a million seller country song, " I replied.

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog...

#other

I saw video on whatsapp of a bloke sucking his own cock.
It got me thinking is that gay or not?
I really couldn't make my mind up, I mean if you have a wank it's not like touching someone elses cock so probably not.
The bloke bumming him was definitely gay though.

#sexandshit

What's four feet wide, sits at the side of the road and waits for a cunt to come along?

A cycle path.

#other

I was on a diet once.

Worst 4 hours of my life.

#other

As I sat next to her on our first date, she smiled and said, "You're not a professional killer, are you?"

"No," I replied truthfully.

It's only a weekend thing, so it's more of a hobby.

#other

"Dad, is it true if I eat my crusts, it'll make my hair go curly?"

"You don't need to worry about that, son."

"So it's a myth then?"

"Dunno. Just fucking hurry up, you've got your chemo in half an hour..."

#illness

The world tongue twister champion died in a tragic motorway accident yesterday.

He was run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry...

#other

nazi: We are mining too many useless ores!
Hitler: So mine less.
(grammar nazi bursts through door)
Grammar nazi: MINE FEWER!
Hitler: Yes?

#stupid

It's only respectful to let the elderly pass the queue in the supermarkets. They don't have too much time to eat up the stuff they've bought.

#other

Toddlers are great... If you like having a hangover, with a little crotch goblin follow you around crying and demanding snacks, yoghurt and to go to the park every two fucking minutes.

#other

My wife and I have been married for 43 years and we've never even thought about a divorce. Murder, yes. But divorce, no.

#other

BBC Sport: Colombian cyclist wins Tour de France.

After so many years of scandal in the sport, what a relief it is to see a winner nobody would suspect of drug offences.

#other

I'm always getting picked on at school..
Just yesterday 2 boys pinned me down and wrapped a entire toilet roll around my head.
I hate bullies, they make me Sikh.

#wordplay