Did you hear about the girl who ate only plants?
You probably never heard of herbivore.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What did the dad reply to the mom who said "I've had enough, I'm selling my kid on eBay"?
"Don't be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy."

#other@Sickipedia

Judge says "Before I pass sentence, is there any statement the guilty party wishes to make?"
"Fuck all," grunts the villain.

"What was that?" asks the judge.

Counsel for the defence: "My client said 'fuck all', my lord"

"No, he certainly said something," says the judge, "I saw his lips move."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I took an elevator up to the eleventh floor for a meeting. As I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down, and the same operator was there. I said nothing to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, "I'm sorry."

"Because you thought you were my dad?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "No, son, because I let you down."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

When I was in college, I used to clean my roommate’s room, and he used to clean mine.
We were maid for each other.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

30 to 39 year olds have sex around 86 times per year averagely
Guess I’ll be super lucky in March:)

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

My sewing instructor said that I’m the worst student she has ever seen…
..Oops. Wrong thread!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Whenever I attend a funeral I don’t know what to do….
My friend suggests:

Just say “sorry for your loss and move on”

Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to say move on.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I asked a person with a cold to give me an example of something they wear on their feet.
They said: A SHOEEEE!!!!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, and insomniac and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there's a dog...

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Went to Thailand and got with 2 prostitutes. It was like I'd won the lottery.
We had 6 matching balls.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I met a girl at the bar and she said she will be happy to show me a good time.
When we got out, she ran the 100 metres in less than 13 seconds.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I've got a Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar.
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

#religion@Sickipedia

Bloke went to the doctor with a problem with his testicles.
He said “The problem is that one of my testicles is bigger than the other two”.

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.

#other@Sickipedia

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
"Queuecumbers".

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

#other@Sickipedia

I bought my wife a mood ring, it turns black when she’s annoyed.
Not sure if it turns any other colors.

#other@Sickipedia

After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy.
Everytime I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Which rock group has four men who can't sing?
Mount Rushmore

#other@Sickipedia