30 to 39 year olds have sex around 86 times per year averagely
Guess I’ll be super lucky in March:)

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

My sewing instructor said that I’m the worst student she has ever seen…
..Oops. Wrong thread!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Whenever I attend a funeral I don’t know what to do….
My friend suggests:

Just say “sorry for your loss and move on”

Apparently, I wasn’t supposed to say move on.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I asked a person with a cold to give me an example of something they wear on their feet.
They said: A SHOEEEE!!!!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, and insomniac and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there's a dog...

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Went to Thailand and got with 2 prostitutes. It was like I'd won the lottery.
We had 6 matching balls.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I met a girl at the bar and she said she will be happy to show me a good time.
When we got out, she ran the 100 metres in less than 13 seconds.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I've got a Jehovah's Witnesses advent calendar.
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.

#religion@Sickipedia

Bloke went to the doctor with a problem with his testicles.
He said “The problem is that one of my testicles is bigger than the other two”.

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.

#other@Sickipedia

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
"Queuecumbers".

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

#other@Sickipedia

I bought my wife a mood ring, it turns black when she’s annoyed.
Not sure if it turns any other colors.

#other@Sickipedia

After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy.
Everytime I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Which rock group has four men who can't sing?
Mount Rushmore

#other@Sickipedia

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it’s always too soon.

#other@Sickipedia

A blind pilot walks onto a plane waving his white cane.

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground.

The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!" Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

#other@Sickipedia

I was walking down the street this morning and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn.
I think it was an orchestrated attack.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My wife insists the Bible is placed next our bed whenever we make love.
This ensures we do it by the book.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I told my friend this dark joke were a man and his wife only had sex with the lights off.
It was so the guy could use a dildo to please is wife. But then she turns the lights on, and is like, “Explain the dildo.” And he’s like, “Explain the kids.”

So I finish and my friend said, “That really wasn’t that dark of a joke.”

And I said, “Were you not listening? The lights were off.”

#other@Sickipedia