Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.

#other@Sickipedia

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
"Queuecumbers".

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

#other@Sickipedia

I bought my wife a mood ring, it turns black when she’s annoyed.
Not sure if it turns any other colors.

#other@Sickipedia

After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy.
Everytime I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Which rock group has four men who can't sing?
Mount Rushmore

#other@Sickipedia

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?
Because it’s always too soon.

#other@Sickipedia

A blind pilot walks onto a plane waving his white cane.

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground.

The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!" Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

#other@Sickipedia

I was walking down the street this morning and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn.
I think it was an orchestrated attack.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My wife insists the Bible is placed next our bed whenever we make love.
This ensures we do it by the book.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I told my friend this dark joke were a man and his wife only had sex with the lights off.
It was so the guy could use a dildo to please is wife. But then she turns the lights on, and is like, “Explain the dildo.” And he’s like, “Explain the kids.”

So I finish and my friend said, “That really wasn’t that dark of a joke.”

And I said, “Were you not listening? The lights were off.”

#other@Sickipedia

In college, I thought it was ok to drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of pot.
But cocaine…. is where I drew the line.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Did you hear about the prostitute that became an accountant?
It's the thot that counts.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I went to the library and asked if they had any books on turtles.
The librarian asked, “Hardback?”

I replied, “Yes. Little heads too.”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What's the difference between an artist and an extra large pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of 4.

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I saw a brunette walking her dogs. I asked: "What are your dogs' names?"
She: "Calvin and Klein."

Me: "Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

She: "Exactly, they're boxers."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

If a deaf person has to go to court...
It is still called a hearing?

#wordplay@Sickipedia

If I had a nickel for every woman who found me unattractive...
Eventually women would find me attractive.

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

My wife left me a note on the fridge saying, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her, “On what day will I die?”
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.

“Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.

“Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia