YAVIN—In a shocking last-minute decision, talented young rebel pilot Luke Skywalker has pulled out of the Death Star trench run to focus on his mental health.

HEAVEN - A spokesperson for heaven confirmed today that church nursery workers will all be awarded a complimentary 'FastPass' once they arrive at the pearly gates.The complimentary FastPass will let them bypass the line outside the pearly gates as well as…

NEW YORK, NY - As the new Delta variant continues to wreak havoc in the U.S., a spokesman for drugmaker Pfizer admitted today that the true COVID vaccine isn’t what was injected into our bodies, but rather the friends we made along the way. 'The key to defeating…

ATLANTA, GA - The CDC is once again recommending face masks indoors - even for vaccinated individuals. While the exact effectiveness of face masks in preventing the spread of COVID-19 isn’t known, a new study has shown that face masks are highly ineffective…

It's almost that time of year again! Public schools will be starting in a few weeks! Time to send your conservative little tikes into a hostile den of godless commies. How will they survive? Make sure they're ready with this conservative shopping list! -Fireproof…

U.S. - In a groundbreaking study of over 328 million statements given by experts over the last 10 years, researchers discovered that 97% of those statements were totally made up.'According to our research, whenever you see the phrase 'experts say' followed…

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a harrowing testimony before the January 6th Committee, Capitol Police Officer Lenny Burbo revealed his paralyzing fear as MAGA terrorist insurrectionist racists stormed the Capitol. 'I stood there, paralyzed by fear as I held the door…

SAN DIEGO, CA - According to sources, Democrats in Washington really want people to get vaccinated. When it comes to undocumented immigrants, however, Democrats don't really seem to care as much. This led local man Damien Cooper to pose as an illegal immigrant…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Work on the bipartisan infrastructure bill in Congress has ground to a halt as nobody there is sure what number comes after trillion.

MACUNGIE, PA—In a rally at the Mack Truck facility in Lehigh Valley this week, President Biden boasted that he made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs back in the days when he was a hard-working interstellar freight driver.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—From her new residence within a tent city behind Disney’s movie studio, Scarlett Johansson held a press conference to announce a lawsuit alleging her payout from the entertainment giant came woefully short of a living wage for the state of California.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American people took to the streets on Friday to call on the Capitol Police to arrest all members of Congress whether they were wearing a mask or not. This surprising development came two days after Nancy Pelosi announced that any House…

ATLANTA, GA - The CDC has once again changed course, recommending that people wear masks indoors, even those who have received the COVID-19 vaccination. Many people have reacted angrily to this decision - greatly confusing the CDC, which is used to being…

TOKYO—Members of the International Olympic Committee voted Thursday to award Simone Biles the first-ever Olympic Non-Participation Trophy for her decision to pull out of this week's gymnastics competition.

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced Friday that anyone visiting or working at the Capitol will be arrested on sight if they do not wear pool floaties in case a flash flood hits the building.

U.S.—Scientists are warning of a deadly new COVID variant: the Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut Variant With Frickin' Laser Cannons.