my father is playing "lets change the internet service provider" once again. i fear.
randm channel as in "i randmly post about my life one time a month, fifteen times a day, or zero times a year", among others
six days ago i talked with someone i know since about 5 year ago. lets say "started to talk with 4 years ago", i think. time flies. i have talked with that person esentially daily for some years, and some time ago i started to just not talk as much, mainly since i had a "have to talk with other person daily or bad stuff happens" situation that i wont get into details about now, and before that person i never really talked with anyone*, so talking with 2 ppl regularly was simply a "cant do". i never really got the chance of talking with this person regularly again since im just bad at existing and i've been having a bad existence permanent condition since, well, years ago. it has been like that forever but some years ago everything started getting out of hand. but still, i call that person a fren, and i still try to talk with him... from time to time. i dont want to abandon that frenship but im bad at not doing so.
well, in this time i talked less and less with him, he got again inside the "hardcore social anxiety" bag, with the rest of the world i guess. so, a week ago, i wanted to talk but ended up literally trembling, as i often (esentially always, it gets more and more frecuent everyday) do with ppl whenever i try to talk or i hold conversations or whatever. so this is a big "damn it", losing progress and stuff, because i know that at some point i was able to talk with this person without trembling, with ease even.
the * of the previous paragraph, there is another person i have talked with in my life. "met" that one about 11 years ago, but "11 years ago" falls in the "memory from between 7 and 12 yo is erased and/or blocked due to reasons", so i dont remember that far back, lets say i started to talk with this other person idk 6 years ago maybe? but it was like once or twice a week at most, and then a bunch of months of no talking at all, and then once or twice a month... semi-consistent in "keeping in touch but with a more relaxed frecuency". due to the influence of this person in a bunch of stuff in my life, i would call him "special fren", not as an euphemism of anything, just that.
but still. i have been failing to reply to this person as well. i fail to reply to ppl and my brain forgets them and they end up in the bag of "talking with them is like talking with anyone, gives a lot of anxiety", like i forget "trusting, having confidence, be comfortable enough talking with" parts of them. and i talked with this person like 30 min ago and im still trembling. a person i know since 11 years ago. and still i cant. it is fucking frustrating, i just cant keep in contact with more than one person at a time, my brain just wont let me. and it is talking, just talking, no matter the theme, from the comfort of my bed, while im doing other things at the same time to distract myself. and not even then i can. i say "yeah sure count me in for meeting irl next week, i need to not become completely unable to socialize and comunicate with ppl", but i know that i wont be able to feel good, even if im having a good time and liking the conversation my brain and body will be in omega alert status, and i will end up crying without wanting to by just being in the exterior with humans surrounding everywhere, and that even if i try to say "huh today is way colder than yesterday" or something else like that, as simple a conversation can get, i will struggle to do so for a reason i dont know.
well, in this time i talked less and less with him, he got again inside the "hardcore social anxiety" bag, with the rest of the world i guess. so, a week ago, i wanted to talk but ended up literally trembling, as i often (esentially always, it gets more and more frecuent everyday) do with ppl whenever i try to talk or i hold conversations or whatever. so this is a big "damn it", losing progress and stuff, because i know that at some point i was able to talk with this person without trembling, with ease even.
the * of the previous paragraph, there is another person i have talked with in my life. "met" that one about 11 years ago, but "11 years ago" falls in the "memory from between 7 and 12 yo is erased and/or blocked due to reasons", so i dont remember that far back, lets say i started to talk with this other person idk 6 years ago maybe? but it was like once or twice a week at most, and then a bunch of months of no talking at all, and then once or twice a month... semi-consistent in "keeping in touch but with a more relaxed frecuency". due to the influence of this person in a bunch of stuff in my life, i would call him "special fren", not as an euphemism of anything, just that.
but still. i have been failing to reply to this person as well. i fail to reply to ppl and my brain forgets them and they end up in the bag of "talking with them is like talking with anyone, gives a lot of anxiety", like i forget "trusting, having confidence, be comfortable enough talking with" parts of them. and i talked with this person like 30 min ago and im still trembling. a person i know since 11 years ago. and still i cant. it is fucking frustrating, i just cant keep in contact with more than one person at a time, my brain just wont let me. and it is talking, just talking, no matter the theme, from the comfort of my bed, while im doing other things at the same time to distract myself. and not even then i can. i say "yeah sure count me in for meeting irl next week, i need to not become completely unable to socialize and comunicate with ppl", but i know that i wont be able to feel good, even if im having a good time and liking the conversation my brain and body will be in omega alert status, and i will end up crying without wanting to by just being in the exterior with humans surrounding everywhere, and that even if i try to say "huh today is way colder than yesterday" or something else like that, as simple a conversation can get, i will struggle to do so for a reason i dont know.