my father is playing "lets change the internet service provider" once again. i fear.
randm channel as in "i randmly post about my life one time a month, fifteen times a day, or zero times a year", among others
six days ago i talked with someone i know since about 5 year ago. lets say "started to talk with 4 years ago", i think. time flies. i have talked with that person esentially daily for some years, and some time ago i started to just not talk as much, mainly since i had a "have to talk with other person daily or bad stuff happens" situation that i wont get into details about now, and before that person i never really talked with anyone*, so talking with 2 ppl regularly was simply a "cant do". i never really got the chance of talking with this person regularly again since im just bad at existing and i've been having a bad existence permanent condition since, well, years ago. it has been like that forever but some years ago everything started getting out of hand. but still, i call that person a fren, and i still try to talk with him... from time to time. i dont want to abandon that frenship but im bad at not doing so.
well, in this time i talked less and less with him, he got again inside the "hardcore social anxiety" bag, with the rest of the world i guess. so, a week ago, i wanted to talk but ended up literally trembling, as i often (esentially always, it gets more and more frecuent everyday) do with ppl whenever i try to talk or i hold conversations or whatever. so this is a big "damn it", losing progress and stuff, because i know that at some point i was able to talk with this person without trembling, with ease even.
the * of the previous paragraph, there is another person i have talked with in my life. "met" that one about 11 years ago, but "11 years ago" falls in the "memory from between 7 and 12 yo is erased and/or blocked due to reasons", so i dont remember that far back, lets say i started to talk with this other person idk 6 years ago maybe? but it was like once or twice a week at most, and then a bunch of months of no talking at all, and then once or twice a month... semi-consistent in "keeping in touch but with a more relaxed frecuency". due to the influence of this person in a bunch of stuff in my life, i would call him "special fren", not as an euphemism of anything, just that.
but still. i have been failing to reply to this person as well. i fail to reply to ppl and my brain forgets them and they end up in the bag of "talking with them is like talking with anyone, gives a lot of anxiety", like i forget "trusting, having confidence, be comfortable enough talking with" parts of them. and i talked with this person like 30 min ago and im still trembling. a person i know since 11 years ago. and still i cant. it is fucking frustrating, i just cant keep in contact with more than one person at a time, my brain just wont let me. and it is talking, just talking, no matter the theme, from the comfort of my bed, while im doing other things at the same time to distract myself. and not even then i can. i say "yeah sure count me in for meeting irl next week, i need to not become completely unable to socialize and comunicate with ppl", but i know that i wont be able to feel good, even if im having a good time and liking the conversation my brain and body will be in omega alert status, and i will end up crying without wanting to by just being in the exterior with humans surrounding everywhere, and that even if i try to say "huh today is way colder than yesterday" or something else like that, as simple a conversation can get, i will struggle to do so for a reason i dont know.
well, in this time i talked less and less with him, he got again inside the "hardcore social anxiety" bag, with the rest of the world i guess. so, a week ago, i wanted to talk but ended up literally trembling, as i often (esentially always, it gets more and more frecuent everyday) do with ppl whenever i try to talk or i hold conversations or whatever. so this is a big "damn it", losing progress and stuff, because i know that at some point i was able to talk with this person without trembling, with ease even.
the * of the previous paragraph, there is another person i have talked with in my life. "met" that one about 11 years ago, but "11 years ago" falls in the "memory from between 7 and 12 yo is erased and/or blocked due to reasons", so i dont remember that far back, lets say i started to talk with this other person idk 6 years ago maybe? but it was like once or twice a week at most, and then a bunch of months of no talking at all, and then once or twice a month... semi-consistent in "keeping in touch but with a more relaxed frecuency". due to the influence of this person in a bunch of stuff in my life, i would call him "special fren", not as an euphemism of anything, just that.
but still. i have been failing to reply to this person as well. i fail to reply to ppl and my brain forgets them and they end up in the bag of "talking with them is like talking with anyone, gives a lot of anxiety", like i forget "trusting, having confidence, be comfortable enough talking with" parts of them. and i talked with this person like 30 min ago and im still trembling. a person i know since 11 years ago. and still i cant. it is fucking frustrating, i just cant keep in contact with more than one person at a time, my brain just wont let me. and it is talking, just talking, no matter the theme, from the comfort of my bed, while im doing other things at the same time to distract myself. and not even then i can. i say "yeah sure count me in for meeting irl next week, i need to not become completely unable to socialize and comunicate with ppl", but i know that i wont be able to feel good, even if im having a good time and liking the conversation my brain and body will be in omega alert status, and i will end up crying without wanting to by just being in the exterior with humans surrounding everywhere, and that even if i try to say "huh today is way colder than yesterday" or something else like that, as simple a conversation can get, i will struggle to do so for a reason i dont know.
most of my life i wasnt able nor interested in socializing. then i started-learned to talk with one person, from time to time, ocasionally. then i met another person with wich i talked a lot. it wasnt that hard, it was something even i could do. but then a third person joined my life, my brain overheated and broke, and i became unable to talk with anyone. and then i started to put stuff on a channel because yes and i tried to get into talking with ppl again, step by step, bit by bit, on a telegram group, and suddenly i have 20 ppl on unread and i dont reply in half a year and this isnt doable at all. i keep talking with one of them, one of the ppl i have met this last year, but i just cant keep up with anyone else, even if they send a message every two months, it shouldnt be that hard but it is, and i try to convince myself that they are only sending content submissions for beans&crocs or snek gifs or something like that but i still cant get myself to do something about the unread messages. this shit is ridiculously frustrating, and i hate it. i used to be able to be somewhere, speak with someone, send messages, i used to be able to do things even if they were few and small. but now i cant and knowing that, and being aware that every year i am way less able to "exist" socially than the previous one, is so frustrating. and it is even more frustrating whenever i think about the fact that i lose hearing every year as well and that my years of being able to speak with someone irl are not infinite, and i am unable to not waste them. it is getting to the point where im having problems listening to music because there are ppl singing, "ppl", and i feel like im gonna end up with a "crippled musical taste" to call it something because of it, and i dont like how that sounds either. i just dont understand why i am so uncapable to talk with ppl i have known for over a decade, or for over half a decade, and why i end up worse if i try to force myself to interact with ppl regularly and i end up worse as well if i give up and stop forcing myself into talking with ppl.
this channel, in the end, gives me a way to "multiple ppl i know are subbed here, so i can post a thing here, and without talking, make a bit of my life known by those ppl", and that kinda helps probably. but i guess as soon as i start to mentally associate this channel with "ppl", as in "many ppl talk or try to talk with me because this channel exists" im gonna abandon it as well. everything is so tiring and im so angrysad that i ended up so bad again while trying to talk with a person i appreciate so much and hasnt done any bad to me ever
this channel, in the end, gives me a way to "multiple ppl i know are subbed here, so i can post a thing here, and without talking, make a bit of my life known by those ppl", and that kinda helps probably. but i guess as soon as i start to mentally associate this channel with "ppl", as in "many ppl talk or try to talk with me because this channel exists" im gonna abandon it as well. everything is so tiring and im so angrysad that i ended up so bad again while trying to talk with a person i appreciate so much and hasnt done any bad to me ever