My friend texted me yesterday telling to meet him at half six.
Well I turned up at three and he was three and a half hours late.

I have a phobia of abbreviations. Laugh out Loud.

With out you 60 minutes feels like an hour.

The richer you get, the more expensive happiness become.

Smiling is more attractive than wearing makeup.

I hope death is a woman

That way it will never come for me.

There is a big difference between loving the person and loving the moments that you spent with that person.

I don’t have the energy to pretend like I like you.

"Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl." - Benjamin Jowett

Q: Whats 72?
A: 69 with three people watching

Your innocent friend Is low-key freak And you don't know That.

I want to forget my name while I’m busy moaning yours.

If Google is A girl or A boy

Obviously A girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

Sound track of "money heist" Bella ciao💥💥💥

IF SHE LOOK good & She Singel She's The problem.

THIS GENRATION
👉 constructive criticism =Hating
👉 showing feelings =weak
👉 2k followers= Celebrity
👉Plastic Tits/Ass =Ig model
👉Being a side chick= Acomplishment

Dating someone for 4 years and then break up

Congratulations now you have a degree of r/ship management and analysis.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Samsung users are going to be like,

"Samsung has had this feature for years"

I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.

Did you know that I hold the World's Record for the smallest penis?

It's really hard to beat...