Me: I should probably just wait for her to reply
Also me: Double text her, just in case
*gets left on read for an hour*
Me, again: Man, I shouldn’t exist!
Also me: Double text her, just in case
*gets left on read for an hour*
Me, again: Man, I shouldn’t exist!
The only white man you can trust is a dead white man.
Robert Gabriel Mugabe
Robert Gabriel Mugabe
A blade that can cut stone like butter will still cut butter like it's butter.
The thought of having a day off is more exciting than the day off itself
Just because birds can fly they think they have the right to literally shit on everyone else.
Someone probably started a long jail sentence the day you where born and is still in.
Wear the same jeans every day and no one cares. Wear the same shirt twice in one week and everybody loses their minds.
An example of adult peer pressure is hearing a neighbor mowing their yard.
More innocent people glance at cameras and try to not look suspicious than actual criminals
Maybe the reason old people drive so slow is that many of the fast drivers don't make it to old age
Literally is turning into slang because people can’t use the word properly
I just finished writing a book on cats
It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though
It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though
Genie: What is your final wish?
Boy: I wish I were you!
Genue: Weurd but alrught.
Boy: I wish I were you!
Genue: Weurd but alrught.
A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."
Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.
F: You here about the dog?
M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.
The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.
F: Go on, ask him anything.
The man says;
M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.
To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.
D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.
The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:
M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?
F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!
Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.
F: You here about the dog?
M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?
F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.
The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.
F: Go on, ask him anything.
The man says;
M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.
To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.
D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.
The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:
M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?
F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F
The letter F
It's hard to let someone know that they're bad at taking criticsm.