Learn your place in people’s life
so you know not to overplay your
part .. !

Sorry, You can't order the relief on its own.
It only comes as a desert with pain.

People don't change. They reveal who they really are.

Since we have a continuous hole from mouth to butt, we are a donut.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea!

Magician: *waves hand* done!

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work.

Effort is sexy.

And the more you do not know, the worse the ache
~Fyodor Destovoyski

Making a girl believe that you like her just so you can have sex with her should be classified as sexual assault. But no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Looking for a job is about convincing a bunch of Mr. Krabs that you're a Spongebob when you're actually a Patrick, until you slowly become Squidward.

Have you kept yourself from peeing when you go to bed cuz you want it to wake you up incase the alarm doesn't...?

Do you sometimes check your balance but forget it right away. So you recheck it again Or is it just me?

Your phone doesnt auto correct whike you're texting in all caps because it thinks you're angry and doesnt want to get involved

Me: Dad what do condoms do?

Dad: they prevent question like this one

Me:

Dad:

You know it's true
Everything i do
I do it for you.

U know ur ugly when ur family gives u the camera everytime they take a family photo

"I can never forgive you" she says
"I know I broke your heart...but..." He begs
"No, you broke my mind." She corrects him. "In doing so, you broke my peace."

If you want half a banana you also don't want half a banana.

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?