Looking for a job is about convincing a bunch of Mr. Krabs that you're a Spongebob when you're actually a Patrick, until you slowly become Squidward.

Have you kept yourself from peeing when you go to bed cuz you want it to wake you up incase the alarm doesn't...?

Do you sometimes check your balance but forget it right away. So you recheck it again Or is it just me?

Your phone doesnt auto correct whike you're texting in all caps because it thinks you're angry and doesnt want to get involved

Me: Dad what do condoms do?

Dad: they prevent question like this one

Me:

Dad:

You know it's true
Everything i do
I do it for you.

U know ur ugly when ur family gives u the camera everytime they take a family photo

"I can never forgive you" she says
"I know I broke your heart...but..." He begs
"No, you broke my mind." She corrects him. "In doing so, you broke my peace."

If you want half a banana you also don't want half a banana.

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Time will heal a broken heart
Time will break a waiting heart

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Getting a compliment from a drunk guy/girl is so flattering because you know it’s real.

To some extent, rising ocean levels are actually due to us putting more boats and submarines in the water.

My favorite farts are the ones that sound like a question

*first date

Her: I love bad boys

Me: *trying to impress her* my mom doesn't know where I am

Move on