"I can never forgive you" she says
"I know I broke your heart...but..." He begs
"No, you broke my mind." She corrects him. "In doing so, you broke my peace."

If you want half a banana you also don't want half a banana.

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Time will heal a broken heart
Time will break a waiting heart

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Getting a compliment from a drunk guy/girl is so flattering because you know it’s real.

To some extent, rising ocean levels are actually due to us putting more boats and submarines in the water.

My favorite farts are the ones that sound like a question

*first date

Her: I love bad boys

Me: *trying to impress her* my mom doesn't know where I am

Move on

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

"If you count numbers, your lips don't touch until you reach 1 million"

parents be like:

Father:what do you want to be when you grow up?

us: ummmm dad actually I wanna be...

Father: A DOCTOR!!

When parents say shit like ...

"Lje tolo tolo temarna asdestegn"

I mean How the fuck am i supposed to learn tolo tolo

Am i supposed to go like

Hey teacher eski tolo tolo bel gotta make my parents proud

That moment in childhood when you found out your mothers name is not actually MOM

Every time people send me screenshots:

Me:
Is that a 3G u are using?
Why does ur time say AM and not PM?
U have an unread text!
Charge ur phone Dammit!!