I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

@deepthoughts2

You have to fake sleep in order to real sleep

@deepthoughts2

Heart: You should tell her how you feel
Brain: Don't you dare!
Alcohol: Message Sent!!

@deepthoughts2

Why don't toothpaste companies make drowsy toothpaste so when you brush before bed it helps you sleep ?

@deepthoughts2

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

@deepthoughts2

If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble wiz rent/food bills for the next 10 yrs whether you are successful or not.

@deepthoughts2

Scars are not painful, but they are so ugly

@deepthoughts2

You ever tried to drink to heal the pain but you ended up drunk and hurt?

@deepthoughts2

I really like u but my girl friend doesn't

@deepthoughts2

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into ur eyes b/t when I do have something in my eye it's usually an eyelash. Eyeronic!!

@deepthoughts2

An onion forces you to cry over it's dead body.

@deepthoughts2

Do twins ever realise that one of them was unplanned.

@deepthoughts2

You can't have a beautiful ending with out making beautiful mistakes

@Deepthoughts2

Our tone changes to male when we describe something big and to female when we describe something small...

Nevermind

@deepthoughts2

There is nothing like putting on a new pair of socks

@deepthoughts2

Me: googles* show me the formula of sodium hydride

Google: NaH

Me: alright keep ur secrets

@deepthoughts2

Had a long day? Why don't u do urself a favor and go ask ur mom to pronounce google for you.

@deepthoughts2

"You dont talk much do u?"

Me:*tries to talk*
- gets interrupted
- no one cares
- gets talked over
- gets ignored

@deepthoughts2

*bath time

3years old: *pointing at his balls*, is this my brain?

Me: Not yet, buddy, not yet

@deepthoughts2

My girlfriend is like a ቡፌ



She take a big place in me ,but I never know the use of her.

@deepthoughts2

I judge people with their profile pic.

@deepthoughts2