Not falling asleep when you go to bed is like closing the laptop lid but it decides to keep the monitor on, overheat and drain the battery instead.

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air.

Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Only if it’s raining.”

You chose to be here, and that’s why you are here

When the relationship ends, the competition of who can pretend to be happier on social media begins

Before you give up in life just think about the hair around your ass

Despite their environment they still grow

Everyone talks about orange being a color and a fruit, but nobody talks about peach for the same reason.

In the future, when someone asks if a car is a manual or automatic, they’ll be asking if you have to drive the vehicle yourself or if it’s self driving.

We pay rappers to brag about the money we give them

don't decrease the goal increase the effort

Sometimes We Reply Because We Opened Your Message By Mistake 🙂

People are starting to talk about deleting social media the same way they talk about quitting smoking

Alcohol is interesting....you drink it to celebrate, you drink it to mourn. You drink it when you're happy, and also when you're sad. You drink it to remember the good times, and you drink it to forget.

the people who made laws are also the people who made crimes.

Human beings can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. It is the worst of all torture, the worst of all suffering.
- Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Me: mom look at the picture i took yesterday

Mom: oh hang on
*find glasses(10 minutes), swipe the glasses(3 min) sits comfortably(5 minutes)

Me: *hands her the phone*

Mom: *hits the home button* oh! where did it go?!

A Women that opens her heart to love you, when its already broken, is braver than any person you'll meet

Q: What do u call a white guy with a black dick?

A: Michel Jackson

Tattoo Artist: Hold still

Waving Inflatable Tube Man: I’M TRYING!!!