In reality, of course, the academic philosopher would provide the theoretical framework to justify colonialism, but hey we can pretend, right?

"Perhaps we should design some kind of experiment to see if experimental philosophy works as a concept..."

"Wait no, I'm changing my answer, I *empirically observed* how stupid other people's ideas were."

"When you think about it though 'you are a terrible cook, Wittgenstein' is just a move in a language game..."

It was around that point that Plato realized an ultimate truth in philosophy: he was freakin' jacked and didn't have to take anyone's shit.

"We philosophers are not interested in worldly goods. What is gold and riches compared to the thrill of spite?"