"Also, if humans have free will, why are they just choosing to destroy their own planet? Something isn't adding up."

"Thinking about stuff? No, society is fine how it is, we just need to do engineering to make things more efficient"
- guy in the middle of a mass extiction event

Elon Musk? No, it is based on a different guy who is also a moron.

"Okay but would you still love me if counterfactuals had no truth value?"

The girlfriend is using similar arguments to Donald Davidson's Swampman thought experiment, which he argues that identity much follow a causal chain of events, and physical composition isn't enough.

"We are still allowed to do philosophy in our spare time though, right?"
"As long as it doesn't benefit our employers, then...well, although...wait a minute GOD damnit shut up!"

There is a massive University Strike going on in the UK right now, over pay, pensions, and working conditions. This comic was inspired by philosophers like Liam Bright, whose first instinct was to take to twitter and start philosophizing about how best not to philosophize.
It's a particularly tricky problem, of course, to know if you are breaking a strike when your work is entirely mental. For example, you might not be able to read or learn anything, because clearly a large portion of your job is knowing things. Reading and learning about your subject tangibly benefits the university. Maybe it would be fine if you re-read the same book again during work hours, after the strike was over? Ultimately though, you really can't even think about things. What if you have a clever philosophical idea during the strike? Certainly you wouldn't be able to wait and publish it after the strike was over, because the main labor was done during the strike. Could you re-do the labor of "coming up with the idea"? Unlikely. The best thing to do, in my opinion, would be to just smoke a lot of weed constantly, because then you'd be reasonably certain that all the ideas you came up with were really stupid.

After realizing his error, he killed himself. Not out of a sense of honor though, but because he calculated that it would cause the most happiness.