Some people are going to say this was an unfair portrayal of Sam Harris, but considering I didn't have him say anything openly sexist, I'd say it was pretty generous.

Of course, the entire premise of philosophy being "solved" is ridiculous, since Leibniz already solved it when he wrote the Monadology

Emo Plato: "If you are in a cave with a bunch of happy people, and you go outside and discover how sad everything is, you are obligated to go back into the cave and totally bum everyone out until they are just as sad as you."

de Beauvoir: "Wait, weren't we supposed to be defeating the Nazis?"
Camus: "Oh yeah, that's right. Oh well, I'm sure it will work itself out."

During the occupation of Paris all three of Sartre, de Beauvoir, and Camus worked with the Resistance in various ways. Primarily, they wrote articles for Combat newspaper, of which Camus was the editor. Immediately after the war, they wrote a lot of rather self-aggrandizing articles about themselves, and their role in the resistance (not an uncommon occurrence at that time, everyone was very eager to paint themselves as a resistance fighter, for obvious reasons). Sartre's dialogue in the first panels are basically quotes from his article The Republic of Silence, which condemned intellectuals, and others, who collaborated or did not actively resist. However, being interviewed on the subject some thirty years later, he realized that things were not so black and white. Many who did not resist were terrified of death, and hopeless that their efforts would have any effect. Even those who did resist often played it safe, and only did what they knew they could get away with. Sartre, for example, wrote No Exit during the occupation, a play he claimed was a metaphor for the Germans, but the play was not censored, and many German officers attended and even mingled with the cast. Simone de Beauvoir wrote and published She Came to Stay, which also went uncensored, as did Camus's The Stranger. In other words, they weren't exactly setting off car bombs, they were mostly doing what they did during the non-war years: writing plays, novels, and philosophy. That isn't to say that they played no part in resisting the Germans, but...well, the story about using cheese to lure in women is supposedly true.

I bet Hegel doesn't even have a very good poodle!

After his father died, Schopenhauer lived with his mother for some time, and it was a contentious relationship, to say the least. She thought his philosophy was incomprehensible and would never amount to anything, and he thought her lifestyle and the novels she wrote were frivolous. However, due to her he was able to mingle with important literary figures, such as Goethe, who frequented her salon. In addition, she was a quite popular novelist at the time, and her connections at the publisher helped him publish his first major work, The Fourfold Root of the Principle of Sufficient Reason. However, they eventually became more and more hostile, until Schopenhauer moved out at the age of 30, and they broke off contact.
The text about love is mostly quotes from his work Metaphysics of the Love, in which he mostly equates love to a kind of reproductive instinct, and ultimately judges reproduction itself to be a negative thing, as it prolongs the suffering of the human race. The text about Hegel is also mostly quotes. He wasn't the most fond of Hegel, especially after he scheduled his lecture to happen at the same time as Hegel's lectures, and almost no one showed up to his.
He was quite fond of poodles.