Philosophy is pointless because my philosophical opinions are correct.

Also there is no point to anything and then you die. But you are super free in the meantime, so...

Nozick: "so as you can see, the minimum wage is oppressive because it prevents people from making free decisions, like freely choosing between working for starvation wages or literally starving."

Heraclitus thought everything was in an endless state of change, so we could never 'step into the same river twice'.
Descartes tried to methodically doubt everything, much like children do when they ask an endless stream of 'whys'.
Hume doubted that inductive reasoning was strictly rational, so even if someone had past behavior such as cheating, there was no 'rational' reason to use that to predict future events.
Nietzsche was a loser.
Hegel was long winded.
Nozick's entire philosophical project was justifying extremely wealth disparity as having arose from 'free' decisions.

True virtue is to only bother Aristotle with asinine objections to his theories about half the time.

For Aristotle, virtue was often a sort of disposition between to unhealthy extremes, sometimes referred to as a "golden mean".
Zeno is best knows for his paradoxes, which often involved the difficulty in conceptualizing infinite regresses. If we applied the type of logic Zeno uses to Aristotle's concept in a rather stupid way, it would cancel itself out.

"Is it always immoral to lie on your dating profile? I mean yeah...but come on guys, I've been on this site for like a year and havn't got any dates...there are limits to every rule."

"How can I cure my anxiety about death?"
"Do you mean...aside from dying or...?"