📊 IELTS Writing Task 1: CC case study and paragraph makeover 📊

Take a look at a paragraph below. What do you think is wrong in terms of CC?

🗒 "The categories that saw an increase over 60 years were housing, transport and leisure. The weekly percentage spent on leisure increased substantially, jumping from 9% in 1968 to 22% in 2018. Housing weekly expenses had a twofold increase, from 10% to 19%. The same is true for the transportation expenses, which, after doubling, amounted to 14% of the families’ weekly income in 2018."

What's wrong is that the order of categories in the first sentence is not the same as it is further in the text. But it should be (for hyper-systemizers and pattern-seekers like myself).

So in this specific case the first sentence should read: "The categories that saw an increase over 60 years were leisure, housing and transportation."

It's easier to process a text if the order of ideas (= categories in W1) is the same, so this change is an absolute must.

Further changes might include: 1) Not repeating the names of the categories at all; 2) Joining the categories with the same change into on sentence; 3) Going from a smaller change to a bigger one and pointing this out specifically.

🗒 My re-write:
"Expenditures on three categories saw an increase over 60 years. The figures for Transport and Housing almost doubled, with the former making up 14% and the latter 18% in 2018. The proportion spent on Leisure demonstrated a larger growth, constituting 9% in the first given year and reaching 22% in the final year."

(‼️ This post is based on IELTS 17 Test 3 but does not fully reflect it. It is only meant to draw attention to a certain CC mistake.)

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📊 A way to avoid repetitions in IELTS Writing Task 1 📊

Take a look at this perfectly correct paragraph written by a student.

📝 "Over half of the budget was spent on salaries for teachers and other workers in all the years. In 1981, the percentage of Teachers’ salaries amounted to 40%, followed by 28% of Other workers’ salaries. A decade later there was a slight change for both categories, with the figure for Teachers’ salaries increasing by 10% and that for Other workers’ salaries going down by 6%. In 2001, the figures for both groups saw a decrease, with 45% and 15% respectively."

It's not a bad technical denoscription, but at high levels even technically correct denoscriptions might not be very successful. One flaw of the paragraph above, apart from the mechanical feel, is that the names of categories are repeated three times each! The solution to this problem is not synonyms, of course.

My paragraph:

📝 “Teachers’ salaries comprised the largest share in all three years, with the figure varying between 40% and 50%. Other workers’ salaries were the second largest spending category in 1981 and 1991, with 28% and 22% respectively, but the figure almost halved in 2001, becoming the third largest.”

My version is both devoid of repetitions and easier to process because of a different approach to grouping.

📝 Yet another post about examples in IELTS essays 📝

First and foremost, what do we need examples for? To illustrate a point. Take a look at the example below from a student's paragraph. What does it illustrate? Does it do that successfully?

📝 "The inability to solve certain issues arising in populations due to insufficient funding can be detrimental. One example of this is the epidemic of HIV, a virus originating in Africa in the past century, which could have been taken under control, if not eradicated, with a timely intervention of international organisations and the local authorities. In the absence of adequate help to the population, the problem quickly became global and continues to be so, despite all the effort of the international community and individual countries."

So what do we want to illustrate (judging by the topic sentence)? How the inability to solve certain issues can be detrimental. But does the example actually contain anything detrimental? Not really. The example illustrates the importance of timeliness. The actual detriment, however, is not exemplified. What would demonstrate the actual detriment would be words like "die, death, suffer, pain" and other negative words.

Suggested rewrite:

📝 "The inability to solve certain issues arising in populations due to insufficient funding can be detrimental. One example of this is the epidemic of AIDS, a disease that remains largely incurable, not only causing millions of deaths worldwide but also subjecting those infected to a life of misery. The disease, however, could have been taken under control, if not eradicated, had sufficient funding been allocated to this purpose timely."

OK, now we have "disease, incurable, death, subjected to a life of misery." This version sounds more "detrimental" than the original.

So make sure the examples illustrate what you want them to illustrate.

🌻 Can you worsen your writing by rewriting? 🌻

I typically say that the only way to improve your writing is to rewrite religiously. And I honestly believe in the power of rewriting.

But a student asked me today, "Irina, has this ever happened that by rewriting your piece, you actually made it worse?" It's a great question.

Yes. This has happened.

I often write for my students. I can write quickly. But sometimes what I write quickly is very simple, so I decide to add complexity intentionally to demonstrate a certain grammar structure or a higher band score. And sometimes the result is artificial and ugly. Understanding the difference between elegant complexity and ugly complexity - and, more broadly, between good writing and bad writing - is an important skill. I hope I've mastered it.

The second version is typically better, of course. But "second" is not always "better."

Do you rewrite religiously? Is the second (or the umpteenth) version always better?❓

More questions:

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📅 9:45 am Moscow time

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🦋 A great IELTS paragraph 🦋

"This is a great paragraph!" says Irina never rarely. But I do give credit when credit is due.

So, today I want to share a great paragraph written by a student (who wished to remain anonymous).

Topic: "Housing and road problems can be solved by moving big businesses, factories, and their employees from the city to the countryside. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

🦋 Student's first body paragraph, as is:

"First, the reduction of business and industrial activity in the urban center will inevitably result in the decrease of traffic there as fewer people will flock to that area on a daily basis. Part of the reason for this lies in the fact that employees, relocated to the countryside, will no longer have to commute to the city center, thus not creating congestion and occupying parking space. Even more important is the fact that businesses’ customers as well as delivery trucks supplying necessities to factories will also have a different destination and opt for other routes, leaving roads free. As a result, the traffic load will be more even in both the city and rural areas."

The cherry on top is the paragraph was written in a matter of minutes, in class. It is great, isn't it?