📝 Yet another post about examples in IELTS essays 📝

First and foremost, what do we need examples for? To illustrate a point. Take a look at the example below from a student's paragraph. What does it illustrate? Does it do that successfully?

📝 "The inability to solve certain issues arising in populations due to insufficient funding can be detrimental. One example of this is the epidemic of HIV, a virus originating in Africa in the past century, which could have been taken under control, if not eradicated, with a timely intervention of international organisations and the local authorities. In the absence of adequate help to the population, the problem quickly became global and continues to be so, despite all the effort of the international community and individual countries."

So what do we want to illustrate (judging by the topic sentence)? How the inability to solve certain issues can be detrimental. But does the example actually contain anything detrimental? Not really. The example illustrates the importance of timeliness. The actual detriment, however, is not exemplified. What would demonstrate the actual detriment would be words like "die, death, suffer, pain" and other negative words.

Suggested rewrite:

📝 "The inability to solve certain issues arising in populations due to insufficient funding can be detrimental. One example of this is the epidemic of AIDS, a disease that remains largely incurable, not only causing millions of deaths worldwide but also subjecting those infected to a life of misery. The disease, however, could have been taken under control, if not eradicated, had sufficient funding been allocated to this purpose timely."

OK, now we have "disease, incurable, death, subjected to a life of misery." This version sounds more "detrimental" than the original.

So make sure the examples illustrate what you want them to illustrate.

🌻 Can you worsen your writing by rewriting? 🌻

I typically say that the only way to improve your writing is to rewrite religiously. And I honestly believe in the power of rewriting.

But a student asked me today, "Irina, has this ever happened that by rewriting your piece, you actually made it worse?" It's a great question.

Yes. This has happened.

I often write for my students. I can write quickly. But sometimes what I write quickly is very simple, so I decide to add complexity intentionally to demonstrate a certain grammar structure or a higher band score. And sometimes the result is artificial and ugly. Understanding the difference between elegant complexity and ugly complexity - and, more broadly, between good writing and bad writing - is an important skill. I hope I've mastered it.

The second version is typically better, of course. But "second" is not always "better."

Do you rewrite religiously? Is the second (or the umpteenth) version always better?❓

More questions:

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2️⃣ If you know how to save a live stream on Telegram (if it is at all possible), can you also drop me a line.

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🦋 A great IELTS paragraph 🦋

"This is a great paragraph!" says Irina never rarely. But I do give credit when credit is due.

So, today I want to share a great paragraph written by a student (who wished to remain anonymous).

Topic: "Housing and road problems can be solved by moving big businesses, factories, and their employees from the city to the countryside. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

🦋 Student's first body paragraph, as is:

"First, the reduction of business and industrial activity in the urban center will inevitably result in the decrease of traffic there as fewer people will flock to that area on a daily basis. Part of the reason for this lies in the fact that employees, relocated to the countryside, will no longer have to commute to the city center, thus not creating congestion and occupying parking space. Even more important is the fact that businesses’ customers as well as delivery trucks supplying necessities to factories will also have a different destination and opt for other routes, leaving roads free. As a result, the traffic load will be more even in both the city and rural areas."

The cherry on top is the paragraph was written in a matter of minutes, in class. It is great, isn't it?

🌼 Another great IELTS paragraph 🌼

Irina sharing two great paragraphs written by students in a row? Granted, this is unprecedented. But credit is due, so I am happy to give it.

Topic: "Some people think that a lot of scientific research today is a waste of time and money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

🌼 Student's second body paragraph, as is:

"Another reason why spending money and time on research is rarely meaningless is that even unsatisfactory outcomes can be turned to advantage. There are, indeed, studies whose findings are disappointing; this does not mean, however, that investing in them may not pay off. Take, for example, medicines whose inefficacy or adverse effects are revealed in trials. Even though they cannot be put into production right away, the information received in the course of their development is likely to facilitate further scientific progress, or they can be repurposed, as has happened to the popular medicine called Viagra, originally aimed to help patients with angina. All this proves that although effort put into a research project may initially appear futile, it is still possible to reap rewards from it."

By Ekaterina Kuznetsova

This one is great too, isn't it?