I guess all I had to do was wait for the answers to show themselves.

I can feel you running around in my head
I don’t want to lose you, though I’m not sure what you’re going to say
What should I type, what buttons should I press to get to you?
My fingers keep going like they know the roads to your body, lamp shades, warmth and the smell of your hair. I didn’t know how I could always feel like something was about to happen when I’m in your presence and at the same time fell as calm as a moonless night at the ocean cause you keep saying “you’re so familiar, it’s like we know each other from a different world” and I force myself to not believe it, because I felt it too.
End of scene 1, curtains close. The stage team rushes to change the scenery in the dark. The audience awaits the passion to keep going. They move around some chairs, different carpet, added fake walls with windows so real the wallpaper pushes the audience into a time they had never known but somehow longed for quietly behind their own curtains, new furniture, different lighting to make it seem like a different bedroom, they put in a glass of water and pushed out a box full of trust, they install a small fireplace and took the clock off the walls.
Remember when I said “I kept to behold the miracles just as much as I doubt”? Damn stage managers!
"Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing."
I wish they would just take the chairs because I wouldn’t use them anyways, My character is always curled up on the floor, instead they could return logic. I can keep the carpet though it reminds me of the times we talked all night long, plus It’s cold to sleep alone on the floor.
I wish they took the glass of water and return me back to the bottom of it.
I wish they took their nice little fireplace and gave me back my time.
But they don’t know my character well enough, they just want to do their jobs and go home themselves.
Scene 2, curtain opens.

Catch me perform at the alliance's Music Day starting at 6 pm tomorrow, Tuesday June 21st. 💙

Alliance went well! Thank you all who showed up and or supported! ✊🏾💙
#moretocome

I knew it was the beginning of a reasonable obsession when I first set eyes on her. Even after all this time, she was something I held dearly without knowing I had been carrying the depth of our conversations that leaves me bare to the world full of her lookalikes. They just don’t sound the same. And when I do manage to accept how defenseless and vulnerable I really am and stand against the world we secretly hate I find myself floating in the same waters we saved for a tomorrow that may never come. I know its pathetic but, until our paths cross once more, it will remain a curse.

Yeah it's true she never really wanted
a crown on my head
Cause she's the only one who knows I know better
than to I think ahead
in their games,
Than to put their wishes woven
by my own words and claims,
coins and bound flames.

I think
when we look up to the stars we keep forgetting we are not the spectators of things beyond our reach and understanding, like it's a show orchestrated just for us.
But ironically, it's ofcourse the life we have right under our chins pointing to the wrong direction that teach us we are not the center of anything, at times even our own lives.
We, and by that I mean everything that has ever existed, are all in the same dance of beauty and chaos.
🥀

☕️
Poured a cup of coffee and sat at the same place for a chance to give myself a chance to change myself with the first sips. An entry in the daily journal of my unsubtle endeavors. First sip, unintentional second sip without even understanding the first, call it somewhere between an urge and impatience. I was not ready. So, I put the cup down and enjoy the aftertaste of a sugarless wakeup call. All I taste is soreness and the bittersweet sound of my heartbeat that screams silently for safety and assurance that I’m on the right track. Can’t help but feel disappointed in myself for trying to see it in the things that happen throughout the day, elevators opening just as I walk up to them, people clearing paths without making an effort, seeing repeated numbers all day long, the wind overpowering me out from a direction I shouldn’t choose so the person I don’t want to see doesn’t get to see me then end up bumping into the one I’ve been thinking about. Third sip and I’m already regretting the person I’ve become, the very small choices I made that fight with the person I wanted to be so I find myself giving myself and whatever love I carry to everyone because of the fear of loosing them. Fourth, why am I writing all this down? It’s not clear, it’s not what I want to say, It’s beneath pointless. I’m running out of coffee so I choose to force myself to choose my next words carefully. I went back to the day I bumped into you again. See, I woke up thinking about you because I couldn’t make anything of the unconscious dwelling within random neural connections they call a dream. I was late for work, my route was different, roads were crowded here and there and on my way I told myself I would walk in a more peaceful route I found days ago but when I reached the turn I changed my mind and walked in the same old path. And there you were also late for work. At the time I blamed myself because of course I thought this was a sick joke because of that unwanted voice that whispers maybe it’s meant to be. And of course, I acted all cool and collected, gave you a hug and indicated with subtle body language that I was late for work and that I had no intentions of holding you any longer. But just as you said “see you” with that smile and I turned and started walking away that stupid song started ringing in my ear again. Instead of saying Hi, I wanted to say “I know it sounds weird but let’s leave everything and just keep walking in a different direction.” But I didn’t and that became one of the regrets next to being ready to let everything go for you just like that and letting my coffee, like my soul, go cold. Fifth sip…
*cursor blinks

Green Fest was chill, a bit of technical difficulties but still enjoyed it. 💚

I closed my eyes in a world full of inspiration and wonder why the dullness never fades away.
When I say I'm a coward, I don't mean it as an insult. I'm stating how tired I am of pretending I'm not afraid.

If you knew just how much fear is within me, you wouldn't have dared to call me a dreamer.
You would tremble and fall to your feet and hear voices of overwelming passion in frequencies that you can only sense with your physical heart too and yet the greatest remedy they could give me was Do not be afraid.

But I get it. In such cases, I don't think you could phrase it in any other way.
I think the unspoken sounds within those words were the time it takes to understand the simplicity.

My efforts to see you seem... futile. An unattainable conundrum. And yet, as I stop to put words underneath your name, I see you clearer than I see myself because I, unlike my own encounters with myself, am untrue to my own being. Still, you’re..

Went down again..
Her presence hasn’t withered in my head but I feel exhausted to keep it alive in me. Sometimes, in days like this, I get dragged between poles and I feel less than helpless. Questioning if she’s even there and the need to not depend on her. In simple terms, Desperation and Fear. Even in different cities, they keep fueling one another and my grey thoughts seek an asylum elsewhere.

Morphs and misgivings
Left to myself with a self I can’t recognize any more, with answers that hold answers of questionings and not questions. How did I let myself become for you? A part of me wants to admit that you’re a way, the rest suspect I found a way , out. Blurred between destiny and escape, Are you real?

A curious one,
Longing for a strange hermit
in me?

Babe, it is far from a disguise, I hold
secrets that paralyze my feet from stepping into the land of mediocrity and yet
I can only allow your beautiful eyes to see me stuck in an average quicksand.
Yes, I can ask you the same question. Why do you want to stand in with me?
Do you call that a disguise?

I bare unholy truths that leave me bare to
words that can only make sense within my profound shallowness,
lives I haven’t lived playing like a broken record
whispering “you’ve been here”
as if my own regrets don’t tell me enough.

I’m still waiting, my love,
my melancholic anemoia.

Shocks absorbed
blows blocked
sights adjust
face locked.

Lightning strikes, on a cold day
warmth and coffee, word play.

Abstract math in simple shape
simple breath, paths today.

Cold bodies, seek for light
sick for songs of the heart.
Rhyming words, Unrhymed salt,
Spicy foods, throwing darts.

Wasted throws, counting bounds
blind passion; living doubts.
blind seeking, wander - lusts
aimless breath, wander counts.

*walks in to an ordinary telephone booth

From the vault

For the ones who understand long term relationships, this is not a hard concept to grasp. It’s within our genes, (by that I mean social conditioning and the sense of self and morals taught) to care more for the other “significant” by default. When you do so, you find yourself in a reality that you’ve managed to create of what you think your relationship is like and thereby in control of how it affects your life. You sometimes get so hooked in that reality that you forget what you’ve once considered “normal” would feel like. And after an unfortunate ending of that reality, you miserably fail to cope up with “normal” or “today”, suddenly you feel what a fifty year old man in a room full of millennials does. Not old, but confused. Not lost, but frozen. You suddenly have a heightened awareness of the possibilities that could create what you once considered to be “real”or “pair”. And most probably after time you might find yourself rooting against the idea of monogamy or want to spend your energy elsewhere….until the need to need someone wins over. Besides the crippling fear and loneliness most people would refuse to admit, meanings of a few elements of your life change along. Like stability, dependence, and most importantly, love. You’ve loved someone the same way for a while that that reality you’ve created has distorted and clinged on to the primal meaning of the word that could create situations where you forget how to love friends and family properly. Sometimes you love too much, most times too little when it matters the most, you never seem to understand what the so called enough amount is. Then you give up on love until you finally get the amount right which gives you bits hope. But you're not sure what the hope really is for. Maybe this is coming form an extroverted loner who has a lot to say about shady concepts or an optimistic young man who knows nothing but feels free of moral debt.

Oct.2020

What is you and I? We’re living in world where we learn and become, some trying to break free from what they know, some still have no clue, pressure turns to resistance turns to the same trap, and here I am, trying to share parts of me from parts of the world..nothing is there by mistake or because it looks nice. Starting to wonder again so I turn to what I know, since I don't know what I don't know, turns out...I've been bleeding and I was not alone.

2020

Here is my first collection. I don't know what to make of it, hope you don't question my sanity.
🫶🏽