From the vault

For the ones who understand long term relationships, this is not a hard concept to grasp. It’s within our genes, (by that I mean social conditioning and the sense of self and morals taught) to care more for the other “significant” by default. When you do so, you find yourself in a reality that you’ve managed to create of what you think your relationship is like and thereby in control of how it affects your life. You sometimes get so hooked in that reality that you forget what you’ve once considered “normal” would feel like. And after an unfortunate ending of that reality, you miserably fail to cope up with “normal” or “today”, suddenly you feel what a fifty year old man in a room full of millennials does. Not old, but confused. Not lost, but frozen. You suddenly have a heightened awareness of the possibilities that could create what you once considered to be “real”or “pair”. And most probably after time you might find yourself rooting against the idea of monogamy or want to spend your energy elsewhere….until the need to need someone wins over. Besides the crippling fear and loneliness most people would refuse to admit, meanings of a few elements of your life change along. Like stability, dependence, and most importantly, love. You’ve loved someone the same way for a while that that reality you’ve created has distorted and clinged on to the primal meaning of the word that could create situations where you forget how to love friends and family properly. Sometimes you love too much, most times too little when it matters the most, you never seem to understand what the so called enough amount is. Then you give up on love until you finally get the amount right which gives you bits hope. But you're not sure what the hope really is for. Maybe this is coming form an extroverted loner who has a lot to say about shady concepts or an optimistic young man who knows nothing but feels free of moral debt.

Oct.2020

What is you and I? We’re living in world where we learn and become, some trying to break free from what they know, some still have no clue, pressure turns to resistance turns to the same trap, and here I am, trying to share parts of me from parts of the world..nothing is there by mistake or because it looks nice. Starting to wonder again so I turn to what I know, since I don't know what I don't know, turns out...I've been bleeding and I was not alone.

2020

Here is my first collection. I don't know what to make of it, hope you don't question my sanity.
🫶🏽

More fragile than a napkin but stronger than the wind,
I stand in shame.
The balance reveals its beauty and the beauty revels flaws,
Shame fades into humility in the eyes of time.
I tried to explain what the weights on my shoulders were,
while I stood in the midst of a self-hatred singularity.
I sunk into myself.
...

Stuck high? Calm down. There is a lot to know about flying. 🤫
Listen on YouTube
https://youtu.be/diqDAkBA38I

When I told you we could talk forever you asked, in my head that is, to what end? The basics led to a place only you and I discovered, unable to ever trace back the road. Your name is nice. What does it mean? What if the idea of names never existed and we only had to look at each other to start conversing? Wait, don’t I know you? You! You!! How am I here again? How long have we been talking? No, this is …. Real?
How did you end up breaking the barrier? How did I tell you who I was and what I’m doing here so easily? How do I even know this? Have I always known? Would you have told me before? But how would you? I had made it easily difficult to listen; through no words. And yet, here I am questioning if it had ever been fate that shoved and pulled, broke and built and brought me here to you, to know my self.

We have the power to destroy lives.
We hold the power to change the course of history and time, push it into an abyss you and I can not phatom.
We hide our monsters chasing after angels, and seek comfort in their wings.

If love was a flower; we plunge it face first into the dirt of our own essence, spit on its roots and blame it for growing downwards.
If peace was a hot chick; we whistle the songs of our genitals, eyeball her until she feels ashamed to ever walk in our paths again and blame her because it's how she looks.
If trust was the ground; we fill balloons with the breaths of our deceit, tie them up with enough reasons to handcuff someone with no arms, tighten them around our waist until we float into a known nothingness because it's easier than accepting gravity.

Sometimes you just tell yourself things you want to hear to cope with things...
Not because you're running away, Not because you don't know the absolute truth of a confusing sadness or the saddest confusion, but you let yourself slip.
You tie your rope and leave for good knowing someday you'll run out of rope and you'd either stand still into desperation or cut loose in a land you should have never been in the first place.

Then you wake up and accept the present for what it is.
444

you never listened when you had to,
you got to see only when time took you
saw my mouth move, took me for a fool
is the curse mine or is the curse you?

- till what I said hits you a year later
(among other things like this being far from pride)

you think I'm not aware?
when I kept my lucifer at bay
you think I can't see you?
but never asked why I stay...
.
.
I play word play?
you play with souls. 😐

our quiet love sends me beyond universes, in to a world where I can break down at ease, at peace. A place where calm moonlight walks were beaten by depressing street lights glimmering the truths of sweaty hands and awkward feelings as we walked off our final days. Still wanna know why I never said goodbye?

I heard the devil was jealous of the individual who once told us we should hold hands and ought to know we were in love.
Sounds like a twitter screenshot right? I told you anyone can write.

and yet here I am, pondering over the selection of words so what needs to be said is said in the way that it needs to be; and nothing more or nothing less.

now watch them screenshot my soul.
Luckily I don't believe in such things, which dissipates the problem from existence and replaces it with empty trust issues.
Is that worse? I think so too.

Check out my first article for Linkup Addis's What's up section. Let me know what you think.😊💙
Find it here.

Three stalls in the bathroom; I could hear one of them was watching tiktok, the other a religious music and I was in the third listening to both and God was watching me and said "Look at him trying".

Same mistake, different reason

I wish I knew who you are..I would promise you it would be the last time I would tell you how much I need you, If I say I don't like swimming I find you floating on a log in the middle of the sea. If I show you how much I hate the cold, I find, to my surprise, you of all people breaking my spirit. And you blame me for thinking maybe you like to see me suffer, because if you wanted to see my bravery and fight my way through my own self, you wouldn't have made yourself the prize. That is how I know you wanted a prisoner and not a lover.
You think it’s easy for someone in the midst of a poisonous love to move mountains when my real battle was to think it was not toxic. How could I possibly take you out when I put you there in belief?
He puts his foot on the break, slows down moments away from the ramp he’d built to escape the cloudy desert, knowing speed was not the only thing he needed and learned that the hard way. Seeing the rail leading to it right in front of the wheel that he had grabbed firmly, assured himself that the car had stopped moving. After resting his head right above the horn till the texture of the wheel was imprinted on his forehead, looks down at his feet, slowly calming their way back to him, breaths out and hopelessly puts his hand on the stick, puts it in reverse and slowly goes back to try again.

2020

We live, we see, we kiss the pain,
We live, we die, we meet once again.

Like all fixations have their remedy, I stand still for a bouquet of Statice. White sea lavender tied with parables that whisper the past and the future in the hands of the beholder, here and now.
And like all things favorite, reasons are thrown to justify for a light grip of Limonium that shuts me up and speaks on my behalf. Yes, of course you can throw in some purple to balance out the happiness in my tears that you’ve missed to perceive. But I couldn’t care any less.
My happiness lies within.

dry and warm, misty fresh.
2022

I see God in the highest forms of everything and everyone. Sometimes in people that don't deserve it. That is the irony of good.
-blurted out during a midnight conversation