Ladies, Did You Have Trouble Telling the Difference Between Being "Good Girl" and being Asexual?
This is probably more of a generational thing, but I often wonder if I would have been able to figure out my asexuality sooner had it not been for the endless misogynistic messages drilled into me from childhood (especially from my mother).
The basic gist was, Good girls don't like sex. They don't want sex. They don't ask for sex. They only accept sex from their husband to have children. I wasn't even raised as religious, just in a really small, really Christian town with parents born in the 1930s.
I had no intention of being a "good girl," yet I still couldn't enjoy it the way others clearly do. My fetishist friends would go on about how I must be a sub because of this, that women from my generation feel too much guilt to initiate and enjoy. That we have to pretend like we're being...taken advantage of, to pretend we've taken our own consent away. (side note, this is partially true for some women, but not me).
I was too ashamed to masturbate until I was 24 (FABULOUS day!). Half the reason was that a girl in our high school made the mistake of casually admitting that she masturbates, and she NEVER lived it down. Her name became synonymous with the act. It was horrifying, and really helped me believe that "good girls" don't masturbate, they don't even have a need or desire to do that.
(And then there is the horror story of a male roommate who became obsessed with me, stole my lube, and made of video of himself using it--adding to a video he made of me using it. Gawd, I hate that guy.)
I feel like this combinational push from society, one that says you don't want it because you're a girl, and another that says cool girls put out, really interfered with my ability to recognize what I am.
It also makes me wonder how many women across time were told they were "frigid", were treated for it, divorced for it, looked down upon for it, when really they were just asexual.
Anyone else have any similar experiences?
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This is probably more of a generational thing, but I often wonder if I would have been able to figure out my asexuality sooner had it not been for the endless misogynistic messages drilled into me from childhood (especially from my mother).
The basic gist was, Good girls don't like sex. They don't want sex. They don't ask for sex. They only accept sex from their husband to have children. I wasn't even raised as religious, just in a really small, really Christian town with parents born in the 1930s.
I had no intention of being a "good girl," yet I still couldn't enjoy it the way others clearly do. My fetishist friends would go on about how I must be a sub because of this, that women from my generation feel too much guilt to initiate and enjoy. That we have to pretend like we're being...taken advantage of, to pretend we've taken our own consent away. (side note, this is partially true for some women, but not me).
I was too ashamed to masturbate until I was 24 (FABULOUS day!). Half the reason was that a girl in our high school made the mistake of casually admitting that she masturbates, and she NEVER lived it down. Her name became synonymous with the act. It was horrifying, and really helped me believe that "good girls" don't masturbate, they don't even have a need or desire to do that.
(And then there is the horror story of a male roommate who became obsessed with me, stole my lube, and made of video of himself using it--adding to a video he made of me using it. Gawd, I hate that guy.)
I feel like this combinational push from society, one that says you don't want it because you're a girl, and another that says cool girls put out, really interfered with my ability to recognize what I am.
It also makes me wonder how many women across time were told they were "frigid", were treated for it, divorced for it, looked down upon for it, when really they were just asexual.
Anyone else have any similar experiences?
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I wanted to share a metaphor I thought of
Every journey to discovering your sexuality and romantic preference is different. For some people discovering you're Ace or AroAce is like looking at a pile of spikes at the bottom of a mountain. You don't have to have previous experience to know that you would not like to be impaled with spikes. You just know.
For other people, discovering you don't like sex or romance is like discovering you don't like pizza. Everyone around you seems to love pizza, so you give it a try and it's not your thing. People are confused why you don't love pizza because it's so good, everyone loves it. So you convince yourself, maybe it's the type of pizza you tried. So you try another type. You try different toppings and sauce and every combination until you finally realize that you do not like pizza. You might like some aspects or toppings but you just don't like pizza and that's okay.
Don't feel Invalid if you didn't immediately know or you had to go out and try different things to figure it out. What matters is you know now and don't let anyone take that away from you. And you can still eat pizza even you don't like it lol.
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Every journey to discovering your sexuality and romantic preference is different. For some people discovering you're Ace or AroAce is like looking at a pile of spikes at the bottom of a mountain. You don't have to have previous experience to know that you would not like to be impaled with spikes. You just know.
For other people, discovering you don't like sex or romance is like discovering you don't like pizza. Everyone around you seems to love pizza, so you give it a try and it's not your thing. People are confused why you don't love pizza because it's so good, everyone loves it. So you convince yourself, maybe it's the type of pizza you tried. So you try another type. You try different toppings and sauce and every combination until you finally realize that you do not like pizza. You might like some aspects or toppings but you just don't like pizza and that's okay.
Don't feel Invalid if you didn't immediately know or you had to go out and try different things to figure it out. What matters is you know now and don't let anyone take that away from you. And you can still eat pizza even you don't like it lol.
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My GF of 5 years came out as asexual
Hello, my (23 F) GF (22 F) of 5 years has recently (about two months ago) came out to me a asexual. I am a trans bi woman myself and know a good amount about the community; however I am concerned that I might not be knowledgeable about asexuality and I want to make sure I’m being a good girlfriend.
The two of us get intimate fairly regularly (once a week or so) which I almost always initiate but I feel guilty about it now that she has come out me. I was wondering if any of you who date allosexual (I think that’s the right term for myself, sorry if it isn’t) partners have any advice for me to be more accommodating and accepting of her asexuality.
Sex is awesome to me, but not even nearly as awesome as my gf. I am concerned that maybe she only has sex with me because she thinks I will leave her otherwise or that she thinks it is a necessary part of our relationship.
If have tried to talk to her about this sort thing, but somehow I feel like generally I’m not really understanding how she feels, and that she feels frustrated to be asked so many questions about it. So I thought I would ask y’all if you are willing.
Is it common for an asexual person to still enjoy sex sometimes? or at least be happy to have sex with a partner just to make them happy? Am I being an asshole by initiating sex? Should I give her some time to think about her asexuality where we take a break from talking about it or initiating intimacy? And I guess if you have any advice for me dating an asexual partner it would be appreciated.
Thank you for reading!
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Hello, my (23 F) GF (22 F) of 5 years has recently (about two months ago) came out to me a asexual. I am a trans bi woman myself and know a good amount about the community; however I am concerned that I might not be knowledgeable about asexuality and I want to make sure I’m being a good girlfriend.
The two of us get intimate fairly regularly (once a week or so) which I almost always initiate but I feel guilty about it now that she has come out me. I was wondering if any of you who date allosexual (I think that’s the right term for myself, sorry if it isn’t) partners have any advice for me to be more accommodating and accepting of her asexuality.
Sex is awesome to me, but not even nearly as awesome as my gf. I am concerned that maybe she only has sex with me because she thinks I will leave her otherwise or that she thinks it is a necessary part of our relationship.
If have tried to talk to her about this sort thing, but somehow I feel like generally I’m not really understanding how she feels, and that she feels frustrated to be asked so many questions about it. So I thought I would ask y’all if you are willing.
Is it common for an asexual person to still enjoy sex sometimes? or at least be happy to have sex with a partner just to make them happy? Am I being an asshole by initiating sex? Should I give her some time to think about her asexuality where we take a break from talking about it or initiating intimacy? And I guess if you have any advice for me dating an asexual partner it would be appreciated.
Thank you for reading!
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When did you find out you were asexual?
I'm 28 and I feel like I'm barely getting an idea of my sexuality, when did you find out?
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I'm 28 and I feel like I'm barely getting an idea of my sexuality, when did you find out?
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I have a sexless marriage
And I’m happy! I just want to brag on how much I love this relationship to people who will share my pride and not feel “sorry” for us.
My partner and I are both ace. I’m sex neutral. When we first got together in that first year we had sex prob about 6 or 7 times over that first year.
We got married in March and we’ve not had sex since last summer. No sex on our wedding night. This is my second marriage and our honeymoon was the absolute best experience!
We got in the giant tub and played with the bubbles and ate leftover desserts from the reception and then we laid in bed and watched facebook reels and TikTok’s til 4am. He even sent a funny cat one to his mom and she texted back “this is what you’re doing on your wedding night!?”. Yep! Because this is what we like to do.
We tossed out all societal expectations and had the night we both enjoyed and we’ve been so very happy.
We got our first apartment and we didn’t “christen” it by screwing in every room. My exes would have been all about that.
There’s no pressure in our marriage. No expectations to meet certain standards. We’re just us and we like it that way.
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And I’m happy! I just want to brag on how much I love this relationship to people who will share my pride and not feel “sorry” for us.
My partner and I are both ace. I’m sex neutral. When we first got together in that first year we had sex prob about 6 or 7 times over that first year.
We got married in March and we’ve not had sex since last summer. No sex on our wedding night. This is my second marriage and our honeymoon was the absolute best experience!
We got in the giant tub and played with the bubbles and ate leftover desserts from the reception and then we laid in bed and watched facebook reels and TikTok’s til 4am. He even sent a funny cat one to his mom and she texted back “this is what you’re doing on your wedding night!?”. Yep! Because this is what we like to do.
We tossed out all societal expectations and had the night we both enjoyed and we’ve been so very happy.
We got our first apartment and we didn’t “christen” it by screwing in every room. My exes would have been all about that.
There’s no pressure in our marriage. No expectations to meet certain standards. We’re just us and we like it that way.
https://redd.it/1cin68p
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Why do I keep thinking about sex but I have no desire to actually do it when the chance is given?
Like I'm not disgusted or opposed to doing it but it's just not exciting to me. In my mind it seems nice but I just never feel like doing it ever and that's been going on for some years already now.
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Like I'm not disgusted or opposed to doing it but it's just not exciting to me. In my mind it seems nice but I just never feel like doing it ever and that's been going on for some years already now.
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Help
I don't know if I'm ace.I like to masturbate.Im don't hate sex or anything but I usually do stuff like that to make my partner happy. I have a problem of saying no, and often do stuff when I don't want too.
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I don't know if I'm ace.I like to masturbate.Im don't hate sex or anything but I usually do stuff like that to make my partner happy. I have a problem of saying no, and often do stuff when I don't want too.
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Update to the dating advice thing I asked for like almost a year ago
Update:
It didn’t work out and he’s no longer a friend. We decided to start dating a few weeks after I made this post. I mean, I say we because I guess it was a joint decision. But looking back on it after everything, I realized I only said yes because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve come to realize that my people pleasing tendencies are a lot more damaging than I thought. Anyways, we broke up back before thanksgiving but decided we’d still be friends. That was true until last month he blew up at me out of nowhere. He was frustrated with me for what he viewed as always disagreeing with him and also for never talking to him when I get annoyed by something, leading to him feeling very nervous. I’m not mad at him for feeling frustrated at me. I can admit that I’m not the best at communication, though the disagreeing thing I still don’t fully understand. The real reason I decided to end the friendship is because he then went on to say some stuff that was extremely hurtful. See, when we were dating I confided into him that my biggest source of anxiety was being misunderstood, and that me trying to over explain everything I do comes across as manipulative to others. I worry that I have deluded myself so well that I actually am just an opportunistic asshole who believes he’s a nice person. Well, he used that bit of info to say some stuff that truly hurt. And while I understand that was said in a moment of frustration, I lost all trust in him. He broke all of it. So I ended the friendship because I wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore. In fact, I never really got anything out of it. Our relationship was very one sided. I felt extremely emotionally drained and part of the reason why I never confronted him was because I didn’t have the energy for it. I just felt like I had to constantly hold his emotions on a higher pedestal than my own. So yeah, was blocking him kinda harsh? Probably. But I had no other choice. But what sucks is that he is still very much ingrained in my friend group, so I can’t escape him. But I can’t boot him because even though I was hurt by him, I still believe him to be a good person, and he doesn’t deserve that. Me and him were the ones who had the problem, no one else. But now every time I see him interact with my friends, I start feeling like a husk again. Like I’m the one who should leave because I’m the problem.
Original post:
I (18m) have been openly Asexual for about a year now. I feel pretty neutral when it comes to relationships. I’ve dated before, and decided I wasn’t ready for one, but now that I’m feeling more stable, I’m open to the idea of dating.
Well a month ago, one of my best friends (18m) asked me out on a date. He was already aware of my situation, so I said yes. I wanted to be as up front about everything as possible. I told him I would love to, but I didn’t know if I could provide what he wanted. He said that he wanted to take things slow, and that he’d be happy even without the intimate side.
We’ve been communicating our boundaries about stuff, and have respected each other. I don’t feel any pressure to do stuff I’m not comfortable with. He’s been extremely understanding and helpful when it comes to talking about things. But I don’t know what to do. He’s a great guy who I care for very deeply, but I don’t know if I have any romantic interest in him. Or anyone for that matter. I don’t feel the desire for anything more than just really close friendships. I’m working through the thought of possibly being aromantic
This next part has more to do with my feelings on the potential ramifications of this realization, and less to do with this specific situation. Being aromantic is harder to come to terms with for me than being Asexual. I don’t know what the alternative to having a partner is. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t think I fit into a romantic relationship.
I’m curious to see other perspectives from people way more experienced this. I know I’m overthinking things, but when I bring this up
Update:
It didn’t work out and he’s no longer a friend. We decided to start dating a few weeks after I made this post. I mean, I say we because I guess it was a joint decision. But looking back on it after everything, I realized I only said yes because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I’ve come to realize that my people pleasing tendencies are a lot more damaging than I thought. Anyways, we broke up back before thanksgiving but decided we’d still be friends. That was true until last month he blew up at me out of nowhere. He was frustrated with me for what he viewed as always disagreeing with him and also for never talking to him when I get annoyed by something, leading to him feeling very nervous. I’m not mad at him for feeling frustrated at me. I can admit that I’m not the best at communication, though the disagreeing thing I still don’t fully understand. The real reason I decided to end the friendship is because he then went on to say some stuff that was extremely hurtful. See, when we were dating I confided into him that my biggest source of anxiety was being misunderstood, and that me trying to over explain everything I do comes across as manipulative to others. I worry that I have deluded myself so well that I actually am just an opportunistic asshole who believes he’s a nice person. Well, he used that bit of info to say some stuff that truly hurt. And while I understand that was said in a moment of frustration, I lost all trust in him. He broke all of it. So I ended the friendship because I wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore. In fact, I never really got anything out of it. Our relationship was very one sided. I felt extremely emotionally drained and part of the reason why I never confronted him was because I didn’t have the energy for it. I just felt like I had to constantly hold his emotions on a higher pedestal than my own. So yeah, was blocking him kinda harsh? Probably. But I had no other choice. But what sucks is that he is still very much ingrained in my friend group, so I can’t escape him. But I can’t boot him because even though I was hurt by him, I still believe him to be a good person, and he doesn’t deserve that. Me and him were the ones who had the problem, no one else. But now every time I see him interact with my friends, I start feeling like a husk again. Like I’m the one who should leave because I’m the problem.
Original post:
I (18m) have been openly Asexual for about a year now. I feel pretty neutral when it comes to relationships. I’ve dated before, and decided I wasn’t ready for one, but now that I’m feeling more stable, I’m open to the idea of dating.
Well a month ago, one of my best friends (18m) asked me out on a date. He was already aware of my situation, so I said yes. I wanted to be as up front about everything as possible. I told him I would love to, but I didn’t know if I could provide what he wanted. He said that he wanted to take things slow, and that he’d be happy even without the intimate side.
We’ve been communicating our boundaries about stuff, and have respected each other. I don’t feel any pressure to do stuff I’m not comfortable with. He’s been extremely understanding and helpful when it comes to talking about things. But I don’t know what to do. He’s a great guy who I care for very deeply, but I don’t know if I have any romantic interest in him. Or anyone for that matter. I don’t feel the desire for anything more than just really close friendships. I’m working through the thought of possibly being aromantic
This next part has more to do with my feelings on the potential ramifications of this realization, and less to do with this specific situation. Being aromantic is harder to come to terms with for me than being Asexual. I don’t know what the alternative to having a partner is. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t think I fit into a romantic relationship.
I’m curious to see other perspectives from people way more experienced this. I know I’m overthinking things, but when I bring this up
to him, he says to just go with the flow and see where this ends up. I know thats the smart thing to do, but I can’t help but to over analyze. Thanks for reading this, and I hope it made sense.
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Best way to repair a hematite ring?
A couple years ago, I bought myself a black hematite ring that I've been wearing as an ace ring. It's cracked and chipped over the years, but has stayed surprisingly durable up until today, when I accidentally dropped it onto the concrete. The ring is now in two pieces of roughly equal size.
The ring in question
Does anyone have any suggestions for a way to fix this, preferably beginner friendly? I know how to solder from work, but otherwise I'm not skilled in jewelry-making.
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A couple years ago, I bought myself a black hematite ring that I've been wearing as an ace ring. It's cracked and chipped over the years, but has stayed surprisingly durable up until today, when I accidentally dropped it onto the concrete. The ring is now in two pieces of roughly equal size.
The ring in question
Does anyone have any suggestions for a way to fix this, preferably beginner friendly? I know how to solder from work, but otherwise I'm not skilled in jewelry-making.
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@asexualityonreddit
Doctors have sex?!
About a year ago, before I realized I’m ace, I was watching a Dr. Mike video on YouTube when I realized that doctors have sex. Previously, I thought that they didn’t because of STDs and germs.
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About a year ago, before I realized I’m ace, I was watching a Dr. Mike video on YouTube when I realized that doctors have sex. Previously, I thought that they didn’t because of STDs and germs.
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Pride month is coming soon, so I have these jewelry pieces
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