The sound of your doorbell after 10pm is frightening

"I kept crying for something that I was never gonna have ..." she whispered .
" It was never meant to be yours . "

Late replies are actually the worst. You tell someone you're upset at 6:58 and they ask you why at 11:05.

Sex is pronounced as secs because it should only be for a few seconds.

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

Buying erasers is literally paying for your mistakes

Bitch I don't see anybody better than me

You'll never know what your pet named you

It costs $0.00 to be honest person

Every day, there are 7 billion versions of "today".

A lot of us scroll through our phones to go to sleep and then do the same thing in the morning to wake up.

The fact that small penises still exist indicates that people with small penises can still get sex.

i don’t wear heels
because they make it difficult
to run away from my problems

Rule 34 of the internet: if it exists there's porn of it.

I practice positive thinking.
Sometimes I'm positive. Rest of the time I'm thinking.

Why do the Chinese have small eyes?
Because they're still squinting from the blast!

English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

I wonder where those ዋሽንት and ክራር we made in grade 5 are at.

Spongebob was 3-dimensional,therefore he actually had cube pants. Doodlebob was 2D and therefore was the real Squarepants.

So I was having sex the other day and I was starting to get tired so I asked the girl to "Get on top".

To which she replied, "You haven't raped many girls before have you?"

My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.

But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.