The moon is closer to the sun than I am to anyone.

If I were omnipotent I would help my self get better at emotional breakdown

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

In all fairness, there is at least 1 horny single in your area.

Maybe premature babies just pre-ordered life for early access.

when you zip a zipper, you BECOME the zipper

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes please."

Good girls are bad girls who never get caught

#subscriber

You know you're a good mum when you sacrifice your vibrator batteries for your kids toys

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

"Big things have small beginnings"

There are probably a lot of crazy videos that we've never seen because the person actually died while trying to take a video of it

Things don't seem as bad as they are if u talk about them.

Sometimes We Reply Because We Opened Your Message By Mistake

The fact that lesbians exist is proof that you don't need a large dick to satisfy a woman.

The word "quiet" is often said very loud.

If you help a criminal before the crime, you are an accomplice. If you help afterwards, you are a lawyer.

Reading text on a girl's shirt is a dangerous game