To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes please."

Good girls are bad girls who never get caught

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You know you're a good mum when you sacrifice your vibrator batteries for your kids toys

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

"Big things have small beginnings"

There are probably a lot of crazy videos that we've never seen because the person actually died while trying to take a video of it

Things don't seem as bad as they are if u talk about them.

Sometimes We Reply Because We Opened Your Message By Mistake

The fact that lesbians exist is proof that you don't need a large dick to satisfy a woman.

The word "quiet" is often said very loud.

If you help a criminal before the crime, you are an accomplice. If you help afterwards, you are a lawyer.

Reading text on a girl's shirt is a dangerous game

I loved the way you lied.
And you loved the way I cried.

Oneday she woke up and she just dont wanna feel that way anymore .....that was the day she relized she dont need noboby else.

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A starfish looks more like a 'star' than a star does

Roses are green
Violets are green
Everything is green
Everything is black.

My night vision goggles need new batteries.

Chances are youve missed meeting your soulmate because the girl was too stubborn to text first

I said "I love you", not "You're hired". Stop expecting money from me and go get a job.