Gravity could have been discovered way before if Newton paid attention while peeing.

People ask you what you do for a living to calculate the amount of respect to give you.

Videos games are childish, but going out to the bar with friends and slowly destroying your liver is a sign of maturity

If others are jealous, you are doing something right.

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.

Be the type of man you’d want your daughter to date.

Change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle, gorgeous at the end.

If you want to make everyone happy don't be a leader,

Sell ice cream

ጣዕሙ ደስ ይለኛል ለኔ ኮካኮላ
ሁለቱን ስጨርስ እጠጣለሁ ሌላ

girls be like "he's my world", but this is your 4th "world" in 2 months, are you building a solar system?

"You are dumb"

Me: No I'm not, you take that back

Also me: wed-nes-day

"Did you cum?" Yeah to my senses, pass me my wig I'm leaving

The robot dance won't make sense in the future when robot movement becomes as fluid as a human.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died...
"Are you still holding the ladder?"

there’s a toilet somewhere in the world that has the record for most shits taken in it and no one knows which one it is.

I remember a time when half the users on fb's name was last king

Girls stop asking guys what they do for a living, they lie. Just take them to bed and count the round
1 round- rich guy
2 rounds- doing well in life
3 rounds- unemployed
4 rounds- broke as hell

Having a twin is cool, the problem starts when you drunk and find your twin on bed n you like "oh I've already slept lemme go back to the bar."

Billgate be like

Ama going to save money for new Lamborghini

*10 seconds later

Done!

How many grams is one instagram?

When conversation with ur girl becomes shorter, its becoming longer somewhere else