Every stairway is a stairway to heaven if you're clumsy enough

@deepthoughts2

Your bed instantly becomes 100 times more comfortable when your alarm clock starts beeping.

@deepthoughts2

What the heck did introverts do before the internet?

@deepthoughts2

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

@deepthoughts2

If the relieved feeling of emptying your bladder/intestines would last 6 hours, nobody would have any interest in drugs.

@deepthoughts2

Your lips seperate when you say touch, but touch when you say separate.

@deepthoughts2

Song so sad you wish you had a breakup to cry over.

@deepthoughts2

Hair: oh no I’m thinning

Bank account: me too

Leg: me three

Belly: fuck you guys

@deepthoughts2

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

@deepthoughts2

Literally nobody can stay with me for a long time because I'm boring


@deepthoughts2

A perfect girl is not real
A real girl is not perfect.

@deepthoughts2

Her: stop correcting me

Me: stop being wrong

Google earth gives you the opportunity to go and see anywhere in the world. so what do u do? You go and look at your house.

@deepthoughts2

If you choose to always make it about you, that's precisely who you'll end up with.

@deepthoughts2

Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He'll live but he won't get laid.

@deepthoughts2

You will never know a person's true strength until you try to steal their covers in the middle of the night.

@deepthoughts2

Out of all the lies I've told "just kidding"is my favourite.

@deepthoughts2

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again

@deepthoughts2

We try to go to bed early, so we can wake up early, to get to work early. We try to leave work early if we can, so we can make dinner early, all so we can die early from stress related diseases. Maybe late isn't so bad.

@deepthoughts2

There is always two side of stories in a break up your's and dipshit's.

@deepthoughts2