Hair: oh no I’m thinning

Bank account: me too

Leg: me three

Belly: fuck you guys

@deepthoughts2

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

@deepthoughts2

Literally nobody can stay with me for a long time because I'm boring


@deepthoughts2

A perfect girl is not real
A real girl is not perfect.

@deepthoughts2

Her: stop correcting me

Me: stop being wrong

Google earth gives you the opportunity to go and see anywhere in the world. so what do u do? You go and look at your house.

@deepthoughts2

If you choose to always make it about you, that's precisely who you'll end up with.

@deepthoughts2

Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He'll live but he won't get laid.

@deepthoughts2

You will never know a person's true strength until you try to steal their covers in the middle of the night.

@deepthoughts2

Out of all the lies I've told "just kidding"is my favourite.

@deepthoughts2

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again

@deepthoughts2

We try to go to bed early, so we can wake up early, to get to work early. We try to leave work early if we can, so we can make dinner early, all so we can die early from stress related diseases. Maybe late isn't so bad.

@deepthoughts2

There is always two side of stories in a break up your's and dipshit's.

@deepthoughts2

There is no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

@deepthoughts2

He said he wanna date so I gave him a calendar.

@deepthoughts2

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each other from the other.

@deepthoughts2

Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us even if its killing us to let go

@deepthoughts2

A person who has nothing to lose will help you lose everything you ever worked for.

@deepthoughts2

My favourite animals in the zoo are just random birds walking around like they belong. Go home,this is fancy bird town

@deepthoughts2

Welcome to my country where parents remove their glass just to hear exactly what you're saying.

@deepthoughts2

This nigga with five kids in his backseat is complaining about traffic

Your 5 kids will add more when they grow up.

@deepthoughts2