We never stop clapping. The gaps between the claps are just longer sometimes.

@deepthoughts2

Brain: we're sad today
Me: why?
Brain: i said we sad today!

@deepthoughts2

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”

@deepthoughts2

Butts are the only thing you hit to show how much you like them.

@deepthoughts2

Once quarantine is over

My friends: “You wan-“

Me: “I'm down”

@deepthoughts2

If you are the oldest child, you were once the favorite child.

@deepthoughts2

Breakfast can't be skipped, only delayed. @deepthoughts2

If you don't swallow your pride, you're not thirsty enough for her love.

@deepthoughts2

Telling a woman you love her while treating her like shit is abuse.

@deepthoughts2

Money can't buy love, but it can give you more opportunities to find it.

@deepthoughts2

What if John Cena has stared in a bunch of Ethiopian films but we just can't see him?

@deepthoughts2

What day is it?

You are still thinking aren't you?,

yeah me too

@deepthoughts

People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren’t silent.

They’re just waiting their turn.

@deepthoughts2

Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please."

@deepthoughts2

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
🙄

Never trust a fat doctor and a skinny chef

We are not made to be free

Not to know is bad. Not wanting to know is worse.

Her: stop correcting me

Me: stop being wrong

if loving you is wrong, i dont wanna be right

If you don’t heal what hurts you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you