Every high school has that annoying security guard who acts like the principal.

@deepthoughts2

Approach life with the same confidence that random Indian men approach women online.

@deepthoughts2

If it makes you happy it doesn’t need to make sense to anybody else

@deepthoughts2

People sorting by new are literally sacrificing their brain cells to save us from other peoples ignorance.

@deepthoughts2

Happy National Anaesthesia Day, everyb..................

@deepthoughts2

I said to my wife, "I said a prayer for your mother last night."

She said, "Why? She's not dying."

I said, "I know, why do you think I was praying."

@deepthoughts2

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck.

Should be a duck.

@deepthoughts2

Someone has just bet me that I cannot make a sentence without using the letter 'e'.

How the fuck am I going to do that?

@deepthoughts2

If dogs could use phones, they'd file missing persons reports all day long.

@deepthoughts2

You know you’re good at something when you can convincingly pretend to be bad at it to spare someone’s feelings.

@deepthoughts2

Realistically, no one's going to recognize a zig zag until it becomes a zig zag zig.

@deepthoughts2

I'm not a prophet but the person reading this is holding a phone with a cracked screen.🚶‍♂️

@deepthoughts2

I've been hearing things like "Legends are born in October,. Kings & Queens born in June" ..but these April babies are so silent...... Fools are born in which month?😂😂😂🤣

@deepthoughts2

Can't wait to get rich and tell people that "money is not everything,as long as u happy"😏

@deepthoughts2

You drink your saliva all the time, but as soon as it leaves your mouth it’s disgusting to think about drinking it.

@deepthoughts2

That awkward moment when your mom is washing the dishes and you put one in the sink.

@deepthoughts2

When people say you've changed there's 95% chance that u stoped acting the way they wanted you to.
#fact

@deepthoughts2

That awkward moment when you look fine in the mirror then soon as u take a picture you look like a troll

#subscriber
@deepthoughts2

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

@deepthoughts2

Don't call yourself my friend if we respect each other

@deepthoughts2

I'm "babe can you check who texted me" loyal

@deepthoughts2